21 July 2015 – cricket and camping
We had a day out at the cricket! Paul Higgins is a very decent left hander, according to Adam. I don’t know how he found that out unless he was in the hedge at Lower Loxley as well on New Year’s Eve. Presumably he’s good at cricket too though. And Ian’s back! Sounding as mystified as Brian, Charlie, Debbie and the rest of us are about Adam’s maize related midlife crisis. Charlie is sulking like a sulky sulky sulker. Last week he tried to tell Adam’s daddy to sort Adam out, this time he wants Adam to tell Titchynob off because he left him hanging out at silly mid off or something ridiculous. Rescuing Daddy issues, anyone? Anyway he suddenly said I don’t want to lose you Adam! But he never had him, did he? Adam was too busy worrying about something going straight down deep mid wicket’s throat. Maybe Paul Higgins was at Deep Mid Wicket. I don’t know.
Titchynob had a good laugh at the idea of a gay chef being interested in cricket. Ha ha ha oh that was nearly as funny as the idea of a man helping with the cricket teas.
Brian is still on the verge of cardiac arrest in annoyance with Adam, saying we’re not pat and tony, we’re not two retired crackpots operating a carrot shop we are a multi million pound international operation! Run from Hungary by a woman on a laptop!
The Farebrethren are slowly turning the heat down on the goslings apparently. They should not be cooking them before they’re grown up! they’l be completely overdone by Christmas. Bloody amateurs. I expect elizabeth will be interested in hearing what you’re up to, said David. If toby thinks pip is a good catch wait until he realises how many goslings he can fit into lower loxley.
There is nothing like a jolly family reunion, and the one at Home Farm was indeed nothing like a jolly family reunion. Debbie pulled up in the yard at Home Farm in what sounded like a diesel tanker to discover a bit of a frosty atmosphere between Brian and Adam. And Jenni and Kate. And Kate and phoebe. Jenni and Ruaridh…and Brian and Jennifer.
Jennidarling made it worse by trying to force lemonade on everyone as if they weren’t all acidic enough.
Kate then suddenly went mad and shouted Fish are changing gender! So she’s clearly got whatever it was that Alastair had when he started shouting Horse Paintings! I think they should both move into the Laurels and I wish them joy of it.
Ruth was trying to express her worries about Heather Pet and Her Amazing Performing Teeth that have bitten one of the nurses or something but david was fretting because the feed company had sent the wrong sort of Pre calver. Pre calver. Is that the bottle of prosecco you drink while you’re waiting for the cava to chill? Those cattle have a good bloody life.
Kenton has gone into heavy sarcasm mode. Oh THANK you. Oh how KIND. Oh Shut UP. the ever perceptive Shula failed to pick up on this completely and said oh it’s good to hear you’re sounding so positive, meaning good to hear you’re sounding so psychotic.
Elizabeth had a little chat with Vivat Rex, and kept asking his age, presumably to do some rapid calculation to establish a) whether or not he could have been her child and b) if that means if it is feasible for her to have an affair with him.
There was a very confusing interlude in which Debbie handed in her notice. She is bored of home farm and is going to become finance minister of Greece. So she is passing on everything to Adam, who is also leaving. I am not sure you can pass things on to people who aren’t there any more but I was too entertained by Brian doing a passable imitation of King Lear (after all I’ve done for you!) to care. Alex and Phoebe can take it on, in between having very responsible sex and getting A starred A levels. So much is being made of how very very safe they are being I have visions of Alex wearing three condoms at once and Phoebe wearing a decontamination suit. Alex….commence operation. Go go go.
Now I may be imagining things or going out on a limb here but I don’t think Jill is a massive fan of the Farebrethen, you know. And I can see why. They do seem to combine hugely intrusive behavior with massive cheek. Rex in particular seems to have developed a crush on the entire family, popping up from behind sheds and wheelbarrows saying watcher doing? can I come? Oh sorry David, are you having a poo? Don’t worry then I’ll just chat to you through the door. They’ve also installed a campsite at Hollowtree. They’ll have to keep Elizabeth back with cattle prods as once she cops a load of Toby in his undercrackers she’ll be hauling him through her tent flaps before he knows what’s hit him. The end!
