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Monologue – 18 Apr 2017

We began the week knocking Justin and Brian’s balls around on the golf course.  In the clubhouse, Matt sent over a bottle of something unpleasant to Brian and Justin’s table.  Judging by Justin’s reaction it was either Toby’s gin with its distinctive aroma of Lynx Africa, a urine sample or even worse, Jacob’s Creek.   What was even more peculiar was the accent of the waiter that brought the wine over.  He sounded like Tattoo in Fantasy Island.  Ze plane boss, ze plane! Pip finished a triumphant week of magnificent cock ups by breaking the tractor.  She snapped its underwiring I […]

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Monologue – 3 Apr 2017

We began the week with lumpy porridge, crispy kedgeree and eggs bogged up at Grange Farm.  Clarrie and Emma handled the situation with their customary professionalism.  They used a pile driver to break up the lumps in the custard, told the guests the kedgeree was stir-fried rice and used a left over tin of custard from Blossom Hill cottage instead of the hollandaise sauce. The cows have still got the clap.  They all had to line up at the clinic looking a bit sheepish, which is really hard for cows.  They got given some cream and a sticker that says […]

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Monologue – 20 Mar 2017

We started the week in bed with Lilian and Justin.  Justin just asumed that Lilian was going to move in with him.  There’ll be plenty of excitement, Justin assured Lilian.  Sometimes we’ll watch Call the Midwife, and sometimes a re-run of Antiques Roadshow.  You just won’t know, Lilian. Oh you must be delighted to have taken him from that ghastly woman, said Jenny, as if she was a terrier with a tennis ball. The cows at Brookfield are not very happy, more of that anon.  In the meantime they all sat around the table…the family I mean, not the cows… […]

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Monologue – 6 Mar 2017

We started the week with Keira.  Mystifyingly being played by Henry.  Windy windy windy!  Could they not afford two voice recordings? Over at the tea room,  Emma was grappling with the menu for the mud party all by herself.  No mean feat considering she only learnt to cook pop tarts a fortnight ago.  Now she’s whittling on about cornucopia and horns of plenty for the party. The rest of us were hoping for plenty of horn from the party, but more of that anon.   So the obvious choice to help her with her culianry arrangements was Jimmus.  I’m not a […]

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Monologue – 27 Feb 2017

This week was sponsored by mobile phones!  Ambridge has caught on and the whole week was binging and bonging away like billy-oh.  I’m not sure it was just the mobiles that were bonging, to be honest. There was such strange behaviour going on I was beginning to think Titchynob had leaked LSD into the water supply as a final gesture.  Hooty Jill and Carol Toboggan suddenly decided, based on a casual remark about Ben watching films, that they should start making lists. Lists of films they liked.  They didn’t seem to feel the need to share them with Ben, just […]

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Monologue – 20 Feb 2017

Jennifer is planning a party akin to a Babylonian orgy.  We’re going to show Miranda Elliott, said Jennifer.  Aha said Brian cleverly.  I’ve worked it out.  This is all about Miranda isn’t it?  We’re going to keep the party local and lovely, said Jennifer.  So lucky old Miranda can look forward to one of Tom’s sausages atop an upcycled scone washed down with a glass of Grundy cider wrung out of Joe’s truss.   The replies to the Home Farm invitations are coming in thick and fast.  Thick and fast – oh, Chris Carter and Alice. Miranda’s struggling with Ambridge’s 24 […]

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Monologue – 6 Feb 2017

Is Pip actually trying to drive Toby away?  If she isn’t, she’s doing a really good impression of someone who’s completely romantically tone deaf.  Let’s give the septic tank a good scrub out, then we’ll light some scented candles and I’ll read Caitlin Moran’s latest column out to you while we sign up for a joint tax account.  Where are you going, Tobeeee? Anyone remember Norman Collier?  Hi Pip, it’s me, Toby.  I’m going up to Brighton.  I’ve got to see a xxxxx and give it a xxxxx and when I get home you could give me a xxxxx and […]

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Monologue – 23 Jan 2017

The big happy news of the week is that Rob has been binned.  I was very ready to join in the general celebrations but I didn’t feel I could do so wholeheartedly partly because…well….once again I seem to have missed a meeting.   Did I nod off and miss the bit where Lilian told Justin the whole story? Or Stephan did?  How did he know everything in such detail?  Where was the shock horror reaction from Justin?  I mean that wasn’t important, really, was it.  Not the final denouement to a two year storyline that would result in the most hated […]

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Monologue – 16 Jan 2017

Tracey said that Susan looked like a fifties filmstar on her photos.  Boris Karloff in Voodoo Island, maybe. Jill decided to do a bit of sitting room parkour and decided to scale the bookshelves like a sort of geriatric spiderwoman.  Inevitably she fell off and bust her ankle.  Toby took this as an opportunity to grapple her into a wrestling hold and get her put in a home, stopping off at A&E first and running around the hospital with her in a wheelchair, cornering on two wheels cackling while Jill screamed with fury and tried to smack him with her […]

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Monologue – 9 Jan 2017

The jolly Aldridges went to what sounded like the most boring New Year’s eve party in the world at Gay Grables.  Tommy Croaked It Junior and his Palm Court Orchestra tinkled genteelly in the background while Lilian huffed about having worn her best knickers, the ones with the velcro, just in case Justin did turn up after all.  Jennifer gritted her twinset and had a go at enjoying herself and got cross with her husband.  Brian, panicked at the thought that Justin not getting his oats with his sister in law might jeopardise his land grab, threw money at the […]