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23 December 2015

Rob appeared to glory over the disaster that was going to be the wedding but happily Ian wasn’t going to let a little thing like infidelity and binding himself for life to a faithless selfish berk stop him from pissing Rob right off by going ahead and getting married just to spite him. So Rob cheered himself up by telling Helen she was fat instead.   It was the world’s most half hearted wedding. I know they wanted low key but I’ve had smear tests that had more of a party atmosphere.   Ian made his vows through gritted teeth, Charlie, […]

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30 November 2015

David and his wife, Pip have patronisingly decided that Ruth is having a mid life crisis. She’ll come back with a sports car, a toupee and a 22 year old Kiwi boyfriend called Matt.  Ruth is clearing off because David stopped telling her what he was doing so he made the intelligent decision to not tell her that he’d nearly killed the cows by forcing them to eat pear drops.  Anyway Usha came round to visit her and asked her to keep in touch.  On a fortnight’s holiday. For crying out loud.  Rob had a lovely surprise for Helen.  He […]

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16 November 2015

Rex gave a somewhat half hearted reading for Remembrance Sunday, but as he was a male under 40 he was rapturously received by the rest of the congregation. Alan chanced his arm and got a goose from Toby which made his day, so much so he remembered he could speak.  Praise the Lord, it’s a miracle.  Ruth has had to fork out from mea mutha’s’s estate to pay for the extras she enjoyed at Marvin Gaye House.  The chiropody, the eye test, the nights with Barry the Gigolo.  £24 all in, and he washes down any appliances. Lyndybottom was worried […]

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Monologue – 9 November 2015

This week was sponsored by people flatly refusing to count their blessings. Bert moaned about having to live in the picturesque home of his employer while his own home is done up, Jill was kept awake with the horror of having to sleep in a gigantic room of a stately home with her loving daughter, Joe had a lovely whinge about having to stay in a five star hotel for nothing. Oh the privation!   Eddie is all of a sudden jolly keen on seeing Calendar Girls now he has realized he gets to see Lizzie in the nip. As […]

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Monologue – 2 November 2015

Charlie has decided to repair his reputation in the village by auditioning for Calendar Girls. He will be taking the part of a huge cucumber that Susan Carter can hide behind. Charlie has given up trying to get Lynda to talk to him and has so far avoided telling her that it is her dog that’s run around giving all the cows mumps. And there’s going to be a second wave of it! So that’s something to look forward to. Maybe it will strike the geese. Or Peggy. Adam spoke to David about the Farebrethren’s crackpot scheme to put cows […]

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Monologue 13 October 2015

It was a week red in tooth and claw in Ambridge this week. Ferreting, lamping, dead rabbits everywhere, funeral plans….. But obviously the storyline we’re all most concnered about, and the one that’s getting harder to listen to, is Jill and her gigantic room at Lower Loxley. The scrollwork’s getting on her wick and she doesn’t like the curtains. I don’t know how she carries on, personally. Gemma Hawkins is having a goose this year, you know. Just thought you should know. Jerome’s gone to Belgium, Roscoe Joliffe’s at the bottling plant and Roy’s following up those dentures. So that’s […]

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21 July 2015 – cricket and camping

We had a day out at the cricket! Paul Higgins is a very decent left hander, according to Adam. I don’t know how he found that out unless he was in the hedge at Lower Loxley as well on New Year’s Eve. Presumably he’s good at cricket too though. And Ian’s back!   Sounding as mystified as Brian, Charlie, Debbie and the rest of us are about Adam’s maize related midlife crisis. Charlie is sulking like a sulky sulky sulker. Last week he tried to tell Adam’s daddy to sort Adam out, this time he wants Adam to tell Titchynob off […]

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This week on the archers was sponsored by magic wands incorporated – June 28th 2015

This week on the archers was sponsored by magic wands incorporated. Carol wanted a magic wand to perk Bert up, Vivat Rex wanted someone to wave a magic wand to get him some land but only one of those things happened. Henry gave Wob a Father’s Day card, which sent chills through the listening public, then got sent out to play with his balls. Helen had titchynob’s whites laid out for him on his bed, and then she got all girly and tearful about the good news, ie Titchynob is now completely free to ruin her life as well. Johnnie […]

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Heather Pet is trundling on – June 15th 2015

Heather Pet is trundling on.  They’re moving her down to the stroke ward. Don’t tell Toby there is even such a thing as he’ll be there like a shot. Open Farm Sunday was rubbish at Brookers.  Three people turned up, and one of them was Rex the Sheepdog who ran round in circles for a bit and then sat down and licked himself. However at Berrow Farm, there were fireworks, Kiri te Kanawa singing Ave Maria, bunny girls, a naked barbecue and no dead cows, which made a pleasant change from last year. So it looks like it’s bye bye […]

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This week was brought to you by Banter and Farce June 8th 2015

This week was brought to you by Banter and Farce, Felpersham solicitors to the local landed gentry. Lynda is still mourning scruff. If only I could have laid him to rest, she said.   Lynda.  Enough now.  Think of it as a burial at sea, love.  Let’s move on, shall we?  Chop chop.  Robert suggested a memorial in the garden.  I should imagine the circular yellow patches on the lawn will be a fairly constant reminder, to be honest. We had another episode of Carry on Up the Country House Hotel, when Eddie decided to thorw open the doors of Joe’s […]