Monologue – 11 Jan 2016
Justin consulted Brian on the Berrow Farm plans. I do wish he would clear his throat properly. Suck a lozenge, man. This is lovely coffee, Brine, you’re so clever. And Jenni, here’s some roses for you, you’re so clever and so beautiful. I love you, Brian and Jennifer. I think he’s after a threesome.
Brine helpfully told Jennidarling all about the plans for Berrow Farm, then reminded here about them again when he told she had to forget them. “Who are you?” said Jennidarling. Then she had a whiff of cooking sherry and posted it all on the Ambridge website.
Anyway Justin squeaked and croaked away at Charlie, like an ancient harmonica, saying that he was going to give the contract for growing lots and lots of lovely herbal lays to Adam. Charlie said yes right well that’s fine isn’t it. Splendid. I shall be in the bloody arse end of nowhere anyway shan’t I so who cares?
And Route B has gone for a burton. Quelle surprise, as Lynda would say. So that’s six months we’ll never get back.
Talking of Lynda she wants a reunion of the Calendar Girls cast. Eh? It was 11 days ago! And she moaned all the way through it! I moaned all the way through Christmas so I might have a reunion with the Christmas tree decorations and some crackers.
All Tom’s pigs have run away, keen to move into Grange farm and enjoy the underfloor heating and the Jacuzzi. But poor Clarrie, who is actually living in Grange Farm, is frightened of it. She doesn’t understand the taps, she can’t work the oven and she can’t get used to the American style fridge and not having to remove Joe’s undercrackers from the salad drawer. So Eddie built Clarrie a pig arc in the yard and she’s very happy in it. “It don’t do for me to have nice things.”
Ruth has transformed into the cheeriest person on the planet. Forget Prozac and anti depressants, what we all need is a herd of cows we can shove about and we’ll all feel a lot happier. . Little Miss Sunshine. David has now done exactly what we said last week and has started saying “ I don’t want to talk about it”. He’ll be developing a Geordie accent and ta;king abut “mee mutha” next.
Eddie is back to his old shifty ways, sidling slyly around the village, only gone are the days when he’d actually be conning people out of money, now he’s just spending all his time organizing surprises for people. He’s become the village fairy godmother, bestowing Welsh dressers and piglets left right and centre.
Shula galloped into the shop and announced that after her traumatic days hunting she needed something rich, thick and sweet. Sadly Oliver Sterling is in Italy so she had to settle for a Bounty.
Pip went awol but Jill said she was in Rickyard with Matthew, discussing spring calving. Never heard it called that before.
The Farebrethen did a frankly appalling presentation to Brookfield which went down like a cup of cold sick as they didn’t seem to have a clear grasp of the facts and Toby kept referring to Ruth as sugartits. It’s looking like the most successful thing Vivat Rex could do for his business would be to push Toby in the bloody Am.
Anyway they then ran into Piggy and Aunty Cardboard doing a Chuckle Brothers to me, to you, routine with the Christmas tree. Ruth and David meanwhile were doing a Kate Bush modern dance routine, running up that hill, with Ruth flinging herself around in a grey leotard and too much red lipstick.
Feebs got into Oxford. She will be attending Bellamy College studying the role of the yurt in capitalist society. This shook Ambridge to its core. Piggy and jennidarling made it all about them. Jennidarling had a crisis about being thicky thicky thick thick. But she isn’t. Anyone who can remember the names of all those children, most of whom aren’t hers, can produce venison pie out of thin air whenever anyone smacks their lips a bit thoughtfully, and can out-snob Lynda, is clearly not daft. JHugely annoying, but not daft. I smell an OU course coming along. A BA in Feminist Literature, hopefully, so she can tell Brian where to stick his hot water tap. The End!
