Monologue – 2 November 2015
Charlie has decided to repair his reputation in the village by auditioning for Calendar Girls. He will be taking the part of a huge cucumber that Susan Carter can hide behind. Charlie has given up trying to get Lynda to talk to him and has so far avoided telling her that it is her dog that’s run around giving all the cows mumps. And there’s going to be a second wave of it! So that’s something to look forward to. Maybe it will strike the geese. Or Peggy.
Adam spoke to David about the Farebrethren’s crackpot scheme to put cows in the same playpen they’ve got their 342,000 gigantic geese in, egged on by Pip who is still leaping up and down shouting play with me “Play with me PLAY WITH ME!!!” They then produced a business plan. Pip wrote it and the Farebrethren coloured it in after they’d had a play fight over who was going to use the green pen.
Ed decided that the role of farmer is not for him. He can’t afford to replace the cows that got shoplifted and he uses the tractor to do work to pay for the tractor that he bought to do the work with. Excellent. Sound business sense, there. The day was saved by Oliver Sterling, gentleman farmer, with his spotless wellington boots. He rang Ed from the mud spattered fields of…um…Tuscany to tell him that with all his years of experience at running a hotel he knew a good farmer when he saw one and Ed was not to give up. So based on this one-man commendation, Ed is still a farmer. just one with no cows, no land and someone else’s tractor. Just one thing though Oliver – it wasn’t just bad luck, what happened to Ed. It was being poor. Being poor, not being able to afford insurance, which means when bad luck does happen it completely obliterates you. That’s the bit you don’t get. Anyway; Eddie and Joe said much the same thing but they said it pissed and cross to Charlie who was sitting rocking in the corner of the Bull sucking his thumb while Adam patted his back and offered him his blanky.
We heard Joe’s ghost walk which was mostly Joe going “ooohhh” and the audience replying “ooooh” and a good time was had by all. The ghost of Nigel Pargetter has apparently decided to start cross dressing and dancing around the Minstrel’s Gallery. Which presumably makes him, according to Joe, a traaaaaansvestite. Elizabeth says she sometimes glimpses him, just out the corner of her eye – I’m not bloody surprised. A six foot Hooray in a basque and tights belting out My Heart Belongs to Daddy would certainly be difficult to ignore.
Jill meanwhile is being haunted by the ghost of Julia Pargetter, rattling wine bottles and refusing to share her home with a woman that says pardon and toilet. Carol Toboggan tried to subtly tell her to shut up moaning but jill is convinced that her knickknacks are getting up Julia’s nose so I suggest you MOVE OUT JIll.
Kirsty’s in situ at the health club, waving her loofah about and slapping around in her flip-flops. She is being coerced into the Christmas play by Lynda. Everyone knows perfectly well that Lynda asks everyone that doesn’t move fast enough if they’ll be in her blasted performance regardless of gender, age or suitability. And yet whenever Lynda asks anyone to be in the play they always say “me?” in utter incredulity as if they were expecting her to ask them to go yachting around Bermuda.
All except Susan who now believes she is a BAFTA award winning actress. She’s less than chuffed about the choice of play though. However Lynda preyed on Susan’s rampant snobbery and she eventually agreed to unveil her discounted items because Elizabeth was going to too. Susan reminded Lynda that Tristan Hawkshaw said it was unusual to find someone of her particular talents. The ability to wear a nylon tabard and not catch fire, rub chilli into a pigman and be prurient and judgmental about her friends and neighbours.
Usha, who only appears when someone needs something soliciting or when someone needs to meet in a café and cry, had a heart to heart with Elizabeth. Elizabeth talked about her disastrous relationship with Roy – I just wanted to feel something, she said. Well, she did that alright. Then Usha had a heart to heart with Ruth which was jolly – they listened to Radiohead while they talked about her dead mother. So that was very very fun, that episode. I’ve not laughed so much since Miranda.
And in the meantime, for the sake of a spurious storyline, Brookfield is going to hell in a handcart. Everyone’s expecting Ruth to conjure up meals while continually denying that that’s what they’re doing. The whole family’s now reduced to shaking bits out of the toaster for supper and they boys are all wearing PE kit and onesies as they’re too lazy to put the sodding washing machine on. For goodness sake, Josh has just passed his driving test and can drive to Northumberland and back, and yet goes running to Granny to tell her that he\s starving to death rather than getting in his car and driving to Sainsbury’s? Surely making a cheese toastie for the family is not beyond his capabilities? Brookfield sells meat, there’s internet shopping….for crying out loud! Cease this storyline at once! They live in the country, not in the 16th century! Yours, irritated of East London. The End.
