23 December 2015
Rob appeared to glory over the disaster that was going to be the wedding but happily Ian wasn’t going to let a little thing like infidelity and binding himself for life to a faithless selfish berk stop him from pissing Rob right off by going ahead and getting married just to spite him. So Rob cheered himself up by telling Helen she was fat instead.
It was the world’s most half hearted wedding. I know they wanted low key but I’ve had smear tests that had more of a party atmosphere. Ian made his vows through gritted teeth, Charlie, after he realised no-one was going to go berserk, arrive on a motorbike and carry him away had half a vol au vent and left, Rob sulked, Jenny got pissed and remembered what she’d said last time she was pissed and who to, but thankfully the whole thing was saved by Alice and Christopher were the life and soul of the party and just never stopped talking.
Brian’s getting quite antsy now about Lilian’s continued presence at Home Farm. although his agitation could have been centred around whatever was making that humming noise during his conversation with Lilian over breakfast. Little rude of her to leave her appliance going while talking to Brian but she’s a busy woman. Anyway there is no way she is going to leave Home Farm just before Christmas, not when there is the exciting prospect of jenny having half a Baileys and describing Brian’s sexual technique and bank account details in graphic detail. Plus she can’t remember where she lives now, it’s all got so confusing. Bert’s living at the Archers, Docky Locky’s living at the Grundys. The Grundy’s are living at Caroline’s, Kirsty’s living at Roy’s… Ambridge is full of people wandering around with all their belongings in suitcases, knocking on doors and saying “ is it this one?” You just pop to the shop, come back and a different family’s moved in.
Pip now seems to be keeping Rex, Toby and Matthew on a running rota system. good for her. Jill sounded delighted that romance was in the offing with Matthew but then she’d be ecstatic if Pip settled down with Fred West rather than one of the Farebrothers.
Pip and Matthew went off to find a calf for the Nativity. They were looking for a calf with the stage presence of a young Julie Christie coupled with the brooding intensity of Mark Rylance, along with a low likelihood of it crapping all the way up the aisle. Shula was tasked with finding the Nativity donkey. Being a thorough woman she decided to do her research and googled “young donkey with star quality’ and spent the rest of her afternoon quite glued to her computer.
After Alastair had come home and ruined the mood by shouting horse paintings she pottered off to see Doctor Locke who is going to have invest in a couple of Rottweilers and some electrified fence to keep the woman away. He’s tried hiding and pretending to be out when she comes round but she just clambers over the fence and smashes a window. Anyway this visit prompted one of the most bizarre cuts I’ve ever heard in the Archers. One minute we were listening to Henry being a sheep and the next second we cut to a scene where Richard was telling Shula a story about a top coming of and getting stuff all over him. Anyway, said Shula fanning herself, I want you to have a party as I was going to go to Carol Toboggan’s but it got cancelled as soon as they realised I was coming. So you have it instead as now I have a gap in my diary. And I’ll invite all people I know. That’ll be nice for you, won’t it? What kind of universe does this happen in? Not one I live in, thank God.
And now Adam and Ian have tied the knot, Charlie has kept true to his promise of not interfering and genuinely wishing them the best. Not. Does the phrase ‘give up gracefully’ mean nothing to you, Charlie? He is hanging around the village, staring mournfully at Adam like a dog looking at a turkey drumstick and occasionally sidling up to him saying “ I meant it, you know. I meant it, that I wanted you to be happy. I’m going to leave you alone now. Goodbye. That’s it, I’m leaving….I’m going! Look, look at me going!”
Lynda is decorating the house ready for little Mango when he comes down because one year olds love spiky poisonous berries, they just LOVE them. And the calendars are done. Susan’s showing something she shouldn’t have done. her pin number? her fillings? God knows. I’m guessing nipple. Anyway poor Lynda is trying to cope with nip slips and Jean Harvey who sounds a bigger tit than Susan’s showing. Lilian told Jean she was a prima donna, Elizabeth agreed and Lynda said did anyone ever wonder why she put herself through this every year. We all ask that every sodding year, Lynda.
Hooty Jill invited Elizabeth and all he Lower Loxleys to Brookers as now we can have a proper family christmas she said tactlessly. Now we have got these invading people from other families out of the way. Just people who are definitely archers. Not being funny but we’ll be taking blood tests at the door, says Hooty Jill comfortably.
Meanwhile, You know last week when I said David maybe might like to think about not making any massive decisions while Ruth was away? Like maybe not giving up the dairy and sacking their daughter? Why on earth make such a colossal decision four days before Christmas? Oh well, heigh ho. Let’s hope Jill keeps him in enough of a carbohydrate coma to stop him before he decides the only sensible thing to do is sacrifice Josh to appease the Gods of the New Year. The End.
