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Oh god. Thank you for sharing this, so brave as it must be hard on many levels. If this storyline does nothing else but raise awareness of – and support for victims of – this type of abuse, it will be worth the angst of listening to it.
hi, that must have taken a lot to write. my mum was a victim of domestic violence too. both her and my step-dad were alcoholics and when they’d been drinking they’d have awful arguments late into the night, it was horrible to listen to, i felt powerless to do anything. my siblings always managed to sleep through it all. there was only once that my step-dad was virbally horrible to me, my mum had taken the other 4 kids to stay with my auntie for the night because he was becoming unbareable to deal with, why she thought it was a good idea for me to be left with him when he was intent on drinking himself into a stooper is beyond me. anyway they left and i went back up stairs to hide away in my bedroom with my music. he came up then and said “oh dear, she’s left you here, look who’s the favorite now then? he left and i sat on my bed shaking. he came back up later trying to make ammends with food i pretended that i accepted that he was sorry but inside i felt so alone. i’ve never been able to forget that moment. we went in and out of care over 7 years, if my mum had got the propper help in the beginning and if the social survices had done their jobs, we would’ve been spared a lot of trama. i just thank god that my brothers, especially the twins were too young to remember any of it. i’d like to say i got out unscathed but i’ve suffered with anxiety since i was 9, and that’s still very much present today. it’s got a lot worse over the past 2 years, since i heard the people in the flat next door having a domestic, i thought at first they’d invited people in and they’d got nasty, i heard all the shouting and was scared enough to call the police, i was a wreck down the phone telling them to come quickly and that i was scared that these people would brake in and hurt me. it turned out to be a domestic between a boy and his girlfriend, but what might have been a domestic to other people triggered something buried in me. from that moment on i can’t hear raised voices without it affecting me, for example only today next door but one were having a blazing rowe by the sounds of it, i heard shouting and her kicking the front door and it was enough to leave me feeling sick and shaking. i’m determined to get past it though, i’m having therapy. the worst thing though is that i don’t think i’ll ever be able to trust a man because of the way my mum was treated. don’t get me wrong, i know their not all bastards, but there’s something in me that feels a need to protect myself, i can’t even take the risk, especially if i want to bring a child into the mix, the very thought of my child going through what i did or anything even close makes me feel physically sick. anyway, even with my anxiety problems i don’t regret my past, it’s made me the strong determined person i am today, even though i didn’t have the best start i’m even more determined to make the best of my future.
Thank you Henrietta, and Amy. You both touched deep chords within me too.
Henrietta, your line “I used to pray that he would hit me”. Yes! So did I (with my father) – I was that desperate for someone to SEE and something tangible would allow other people to see it. I used to hurt myself, I think for similar reasons. He was hitting my mother (eventually he escalated to that, after nearly twenty of controlling emotional abuse).Amy, when you talk about the anxiety that rises from deep within when you hear other people arguing, I know exactly what you mean too. It triggers that whole panic-freeze response in me too.
You both sound like grounded, courageous people.I won’t share my whole story, suffice to say it is a familiar one and a deeply painful one. I too have been having professional help and the strength that a past like this has built within me definitely makes me something I am proud of now.
I am truly grateful for this storyline for all that it is exposing to people about what goes on. It’s the slow, creeping insidious nature of it that is being portrayed so well. When listeners sometimes say “i wish this would all be over – it’s gone on too long” I do think “actually this is nothing. this is no time at all. Wait and see how it feels after 25 years.” Similarly, I don’t believe the storyline can ever be “over” – as the lasting emotional effects on the mental health and relationships of Helen, Henry and no doubt her new child will go on for a long time. This kind of abuse – all of it – the control, the emotional abuse, the fear all have an enormous effect on their self esteem, confidence, anxiety levels, sense of self – I could go on and on.
I offer sincere thanks and congratulations to the writers and actors for their impressively written portrayal of domestic abuse and for doing it well enough that people are sharing their own stories, hopefully feeling less alone.
SilvergirlHi
Firstly, thank you to Henrietta, Amy and silvergirl. I wish there were a way I could reach out and give you a hug or hold your hand. I can’t say that everything will be OK but please remember that you are strong, you are loved and held in high esteem.
That last bit got me through some time of bullying a few years ago at work.
I don’t know if it means anything to you but I will pray for you and all victims (and the abusers, that they might see what they are doing – little or no hope but you have to try!).
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