Monologue – 3 January 2017

The Ambridge show was all in rhyme
The writers had a fit
Lynda had a stressful time
Convinced it would be…rubbish.

Over at Bridge Farm, on Christmas Day Henry got an orrange, a little spinny fing, and an appointment with a child development specialist.

At Rickyard, Toby had bought a reduced to clear chicken and burned the potatoes.  It made Pip all nostalgic for her mother’s cooking.

At the Stables, Shula and Alastair were still love’s middle aged dream. Shula bought Alastair a box set of Gardeners World: Hilarious Bloopers and he bought her a ball gag.

At Brookers, Ruth was trying to get some sense into Jill.  “Now look Jill, this has got to stop,” said Ruth. I don’t know what you mean, said Jill airily, writing ‘toby is a bum flap” on the kitchen wipe-board.

Over at Lower Loxley, Elizabeth said she had worked ALL day and was SO tired she thought Elizabeth, you deserve a treat.  I’ve filed three pieces of paper, two people rang me up and some delivery men took me up the orangery. I’m exhausted.  Aunty Lilian had given her a bolstering chat and as we know, if anyone knows anything about being successful with men, it’s Lilian, with her long history of unfaithful toyboys, unfaithful jailbirds and unfaithful Fascists.  She’s quite the Mariella Frostrup.  Anyway Elizabeth trotted off to the Bull determined to pull like a bell ringer. Sadly though she was marginally too late as by the time she got there Debbie was having a look down Richard Locke’s stethoscope and Tracey Horobin had Roy Tucker in a headlock.  However I shall forgive Debbie anything for her spectacular put-down of Titchynob which made me clap.

At Home Farm, Kate was trying to finish making all the costumes for the village fete.  Um…am I missing something here?  I come from a family of very talented dress makers and knitters and crocheters and all that and I use a staple gun to attach buttons, largely because sewing is really, really bloody hard.  Kate volunteered to design and make all the costumes with absolutely no training or know how whatsoever.  One minute she was being taught how to use a sewing machine, the next she was zipping away making up a fairy dress.  A sewing machine is marginally more complicated than the control desk of the Kennedy space centre.  It took me the whole summer term to make a lavender bag and then the bottom fell out.  How Kate, who is neither intelligent nor tenacious, was threading the thing and clattering away without hemming her sleeve to her own hair I will never know.

The Boxing Day Hunt was the usual riot it always is.  Lilian and Justin jogged along side by side.  “This is a good opportunity,” said Justin.  “I thought I felt my phone buzz earlier, so shove it down your jodpurs, Lilian.”

Toby sodded off to Brighton again for another mystery jaunt. Where does he go?  Why does he go?  Who..does he go?  Why do we care?

But the most amazing news was…and I know this shook us all to the core, the show turned out alright!  I mean I don’t know about you but I really thought it wasn’t going to come out alright this time, and I mean Lynda thought it wasn’t going to come out alright this time and even some of the cast thought it might not come out alright this time especially when one of the cast was unable to make it and someone had to step in at the last moment.  Goodness me.  I was on tenterhooks.

And the big news is, that after Tom and Krusty’s sausage roll back in the summer, they’re now having a little Scotch egg. Hurrah!  The End.