Monologue – 6 Mar 2017
We started the week with Keira. Mystifyingly being played by Henry. Windy windy windy! Could they not afford two voice recordings?
Over at the tea room, Emma was grappling with the menu for the mud party all by herself. No mean feat considering she only learnt to cook pop tarts a fortnight ago. Now she’s whittling on about cornucopia and horns of plenty for the party. The rest of us were hoping for plenty of horn from the party, but more of that anon. So the obvious choice to help her with her culianry arrangements was Jimmus. I’m not a chef, he said helpfully. Really Jimmus? Are you….a racing driver? A postman? This is a terrible game.
Tom had a wobble about going to Brazil, where the nuts come from. I can’t be any use to Kirsty in Brazil, he said, so I’m going to stay and not be any use to her here either. Anyway Krusty, horrified at the prospect of Tom hanging around like a fart in a phone box sounding like Eeyore said no you must go. Do go. Look, I’ve packed for you. I’’ll just do your coat up for you, the taxi’s on its way. Yes, I’ll be fine just bloody go, will you?
Another one for the “thank god no-one else was listening to the archers just then” happened when we had Alastair asking “have you considered taking out a healthcare plan for the llamas?”
Anisha is talking about the vet’s website to what Alastair described as high powered web designers. Web designers aren’t high powered. They wear grey hoodies, pick their teeth with biro lids and tell you why they can’t make it do the thing you want because of Flash or something. Mind you to Alastair, Fat Paul’s high powered.
More internet goings on – Josh Ewing showed David his website selling second hand kit. It’s called Josh’s Massive Equipment.com. David was astonished that Josh would rather sit in the sitting room by the fire tiddling around on his laptop than out in the freezing lambing shed chopping off lamb’s tails and piercing their ears.
Eddie went rabbit hunting. Hercules and Adele. He was having to make the holes bigger in case Adele got stuck. Hello! And the game is up – Lynda’s twigged that Grange Farm is pinching her b&b customers. For some unaccountable reason guests are picking Clarrie’s home cooking over being force-fed beansprout crumble, being beaten with sage twigs and forced to look at pictures of llamas. Then Eddie suddenly remembered he had a job at the cattle market and was immediately hijacked by Josh Ewing demanding that he put flyers about Josh’s Massive Equipment.com all over the place. In exchange for bottles of Merlot, which sounds incredibly unlikely. Pints of shires, yes. Bottles of pineapple WKD, also yes. But not Merlot.
Rex took Anisha out to practise at the nets. I just presumed this was because Anisha had signed up to the cricket team, otherwise why on earth would they be there? But apparently it was just a whim, as she seemed to be astonished and horrified. “Let me just put my shin pads, bat and ball away and sit and have a drink in this cricket club bar…join the cricket club? Goodness me, I’d never thought…” Rex kept telling her she’d had some decent strokes but she had to keep her head down.
Which is much the same as Justin was telling Lilian in the conservatory at Home Farm, so back to the party we go. We were honoured by the visit of the Right Honourable Mayor of Felpersham, Rachel Pisshead. Pilkington. She is allergic to broccoli and the only antidote for thinking about broccoli, or even being near to anyone who might ever have eaten broccoli, is a pint and a half of white wine. The result of this was that the mayor got very very allergic. Allergic as a newt, she was. The theme for this fiasco was from eggs to apples so they served fried egg sandwiches and toffee apples. They didn’t actually but I bet the guests wish they had because what they did serve was stodgy as anything. Like pastry ballast. No wonder Lilian was on her knees after half an hour. We had a boring interlude about biodiversity while Jimus and Lynda savaged Brian about bloody bee orchids while we all shouted “where are Lilian and Justin and what are they doing and where’s Miranda?” Then things got REALLY really exciting when Lilian’s earring fell out and Justin noticed, heaved it out her chestal area and..handed it back to her! There was a bit of a heavy breathing, so what he was doing with his other hand god only knows, but it seems to have been enough to have sent Miranda into a spectacular mard. So that was it. Nothing. I was expecting Justin at least to be caught by the photographer from Borchester Echo trying to coax Lilian into a nibble at his cornucopia, but nothing. It comes to something when the most exciting part of a Friday night in Ambridge is focussed around Brian Aldridge’s ability to find a padded coat hanger. The End.
