Monologue – 20 Mar 2017
We started the week in bed with Lilian and Justin. Justin just asumed that Lilian was going to move in with him. There’ll be plenty of excitement, Justin assured Lilian. Sometimes we’ll watch Call the Midwife, and sometimes a re-run of Antiques Roadshow. You just won’t know, Lilian.
Oh you must be delighted to have taken him from that ghastly woman, said Jenny, as if she was a terrier with a tennis ball.
The cows at Brookfield are not very happy, more of that anon. In the meantime they all sat around the table…the family I mean, not the cows… and drank a cup of coffee accompanied by the usual muffled noises of profound ecstasy. I don’t know what they put in the coffee in Ambirdge. Crack? Anyway Pip said she needed to talk to her parents. Is this something personal, asked David with trepidation? Is it gonorrhea again? He ended up wishing it was gonorrhea as what it turned out to be was daddeeee, I’ve given all my moneeeee to Tobeeeee so can I have some of yours, can I?
Carol Toboggan has stuck her beak in again and decided that Jill has what passes for a drink problem in Ambridge. She’s mainlining Twinings apparently and if they cut off that supply she just starts cutting open tea bags and snorting them. It’s sad, really, how they get like that.
I can’t quite get to grips with this B&B storyline. Why is Eddie so fiercely competitive with Lynda when he’s doing better than she is? None of it makes sense. I think it is all a cunning ruse to allow us to enjoy Eddie getting his own birdman of Alcatraz. He has picked Jim Lloyd to face off Robert Snell. They both had a brace of mute B&B guests with them. “Now you might think that is a pied wagtail, said Robert, but it’s actually Jim Lloyd.”
Jimus was in the red corner of the bird hide, prancing around in a dressing gown that said Plus valet in manibus avis unica quam dupla silvis on the back. It was a hell of a big dressing gown. And Robert was in the other corner, wearing one of Lynda’s old itchy tartan things. Jimus said Robert had lesser yellow legs, and Robert said he could stick it up his chiff chaff.
Emmur has sadly reverted to type. I don’t want to do laundry Ed. I want to live in a massive great house in the village, with babysitters on tap but I don’t want to have to do things I don’t want to do even though you are sweating blood Ed. I wish I’d stayed married to Wiwyerm and gone to live in Cosa Nostra and washed the blood out of his dungarees while I watched Made in Chelsea on his masive plasma screen .
Alastair is doing some sales calls. “Pick up that phone and knock ‘em dead”, said Shula. Oh Shula. The only way Alastair could knock ‘em dead on the phone is if he actually hit them with it.
Talking of knocking things dead, the cows at Brookfield have all got IBS. They’re bloated and uncomfortable. Their trousers don’t do up and they look concerned during business meetings. I don’t know why they’re making such a fuss, I’ve seen the adverts, all they have to do is eat Activia. Then they’ll be eating salad in white kitchens and laughing.
Lily got left out at the cricket. Not because she was a woman. But because she’s really, really annoying. Usha popped up out of the silent tomb because there’s nothing a change resistant cricket team likes better than being cross-questioned about their private lives by a female Asian solicitor. Am I the only one finding it odd that the two women that we are patronising to death on the cricket team are Usha and Anisha and they’re only doing it because their male relatives did it? If a black family move to Ambridge are we going to suggest they must be really good at running?
I have let work slide a bit, said Lilian. Slide? It was more of an avalanche. So she went back to Home Farm and was surprised to discover that we’ve had decimalisation since she last looked at her Amside spreadsheet.
Now nanny needs to talk to Justin. When we want something Justin we don’t just snatch it, what do we say? We say “please may I have”. If we want another biscuit then we finish the one we have first and then we ask very nicely. We don’t just assume the biscuit is ours. And if we want a lady to marry us we ask her if she would like to, and we get rid of the wife we have already.
We had a lovely family lunch at Home Farm. All frozen silences, clanking forks and anxious swallowing. Peggy wanted to know exactly what Lilian had been focusing on in the bird hide and then misheard when Alice said Kate was offering special weekend packages. It’s Justin’s special weekend package that’s been worrying Piggy for ages. It was all extremely fraught and the only thing that didn’t spark a row was the peas. Peas on earth, and goodwill to all men. The end.
