Monologue – 3 Apr 2017
We began the week with lumpy porridge, crispy kedgeree and eggs bogged up at Grange Farm. Clarrie and Emma handled the situation with their customary professionalism. They used a pile driver to break up the lumps in the custard, told the guests the kedgeree was stir-fried rice and used a left over tin of custard from Blossom Hill cottage instead of the hollandaise sauce.
The cows have still got the clap. They all had to line up at the clinic looking a bit sheepish, which is really hard for cows. They got given some cream and a sticker that says “Pull the udder one” with a picture of a laughing condom on it.
The Bridge Farm lot took the Brookers news with the customary relaxed attitude they always have. It’ll damage our good name, said Tom. Ah yes, the good name of Bridge Farm. Would that be the association with attempted manslaughter or the e-coli flavoured yoghurt, Sausageboy?
The penny finally dropped with Pip. It made a sort of donging noise as it clonked her on the back of the head. Sadly no fatal damage but we live in hope. The noble Toby urged her not to own up, to follow his own example and lie like a shifty creep. This was after he’d been picking mallow leaves in the middle of the night to summon the blessings of the moon goddess. Honestly there are so many bizarre storylines going on in Ambridge at the moment it’s like bloody Twin Peaks. The next scene we hear will be the log lady coming in the village shop.
Toby had a bit of a wake-up call. He went off to look at a proper gin palace with Kenton. Oh wow this is really good, he said wonderingly. It’s all clean. And the women were really nice. And they put loads of money in it. It’s like a proper business? And they weren’t making it in a bucket or filtering it through a rugby shirt.
Usha is starting a campaign for women who want to join clubs for sport they are rubbish at. It’s discrimination, that I should be prevented from representing Ambridge in the cricket team when I can’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo, said Usha furiously. Lynda has set up a rival campaign for Women who Are Excluded from Joining the Campaigns for Women who want to join clubs for sport they are rubbish at. Although as it’s Lynda’s campaign it’s probably “at which they are rubbish”. Harassment didn’t understand why none of the women were turning up for nets. I don’t know why. As a cricket captain surely he’s heard of Boycott?
Darrington is holding a load of fluorescent jackets and speed cameras hostage. Honestly Ambridge is weird but the Darrington lot are just unhinged. Lynda decided to add her own element of absurdity by deliberately speeding through Darrington, to find out what happened. She got nicked, is what happened.
Fag-ash and Justin went coconutting on a lovely spring morning and I thought they’d had some sort of rapprochement and then they weren’t speaking to each other. Have I missed another meeting? It all got very confusing. Lilian still works for Justin, you know, Jennifer explained to Susan, we’re just not quite sure what he’s paying her for. She’s very good at oral dictation and taking things down quickly. Take my hand, Brian, said Justin. Why, are you a stranger in paradise? asked Brian. Then Lilian and Justin met up and had a snippy little conversation. Justin said come for a cup of tea, I don’t mind if you’re sweaty but she said I can’t, I’ve got to rub down Maisy. Funny how people have pet names for things, isn’t it? It seems to me that they’ve both been reading these daft dating books. The Rules. Women who love too much. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Lilian’s a moron and Justin’s a penis.
Jill was in hooty mood as she cross questioned Jennifer about Lilian and Justin. She was as confused as me which is why she suggested to Jennidarling she freshened their coffee. Who freshens coffee? You make another one. Unless freshening it means slipping a bit of Old Navy Rum in it which would make sense as we all know that’s the one way to unleash Jennidarling’s indiscretion. One whiff of a ring pull and she starts spouting secrets like a geyser.
Sal Blakedown got cross. And we all know what she’s like. She;’;s got a tongue like a mach 3 when she gets going, that woman. Anisha forgot to cancel the open day. Anyone else thinking we’ve seen the last of Anisha, and that she’s sodded off with her cricket bat and a horse’s eye in her back pocket?
Emmur was in a bad mood which is hardly surprising when Fallon forces her to listen to Judy Garland on a loop for the whole of the working day. Apparently Ed’s miserable because he wanted a ram lamb. How Emmur resisted the urge to shout ram a lamb a ding dong I don’t know, because I certainly didn’t.
Ambridge Hall was packed with mothers and daughters on Sunday. The house was so full the masseuse had to use Robert’s study. He made good use of her though as he’d been feeling a little stiff for ages.
