Monologue 5 June 2017
Tom’s still banging on about fermented foods. Nope, I’m sorry, you can call it kefir and kimchee all you like, but fermented food is still compost.
Lilian had a fantastic time leaping around in a leather catsuit pretending to be Purdey from the Avengers with the speed gun. Gemma Hawkins and Leroy were both caught going too slow but that’s because they caught sight of Lilian and drove into the hedge.
Apparently we are now calling Open Farm Sunday OFS. Or Fun Farm Sunday, which is FFS. Much more approrpriate.
Freddie had a bad algebra test. It wasn’t the equations he couldn’t do, he couldn’t remember the order of the abc bit.
Pip is now living at Lower Loxley. She’s sharing the writing desk with Titcombe.
Over at Berrow, Justin’s going to fill it with 15,000 tonnes of pig shit and a can of Haze the size of a Trident missile. Krusty says there’ll be a storm of protest. To paraphrase Victoria Wood, people will go ‘tut’.
Chris silently won the wingle sicket (Ruari was runner up – I have checked). Alice who has now included mass catering for the pickers in her never ending job description, had a couple of WKDs and started telling everyone about the Berrow and the BL board meeting. Most women get a bit pissyboots, tell people they’ve always been very fond of them, start ranting about something that happened in 1982 (or in Alice’s case 2002 as she is not old enough for 1982), attempt to re-do their eyeliner and have a bracing chat with themselves in the mirror of the Ladies, feel a bit icky and go home. Not start recounting dates and board meeting agenda items.
Tracey’s back! Hurrah! She has scented young blood and is prowling around the village, slavering.. I am anticipating a John Archer Sharon situation with Freddie Pargetter. It’s odd, when she popped up, Neil and Susan both said casually “oh hello Tracey’. It still comes as a surprise to me that the characters don’t say “Bloody hell Tracey, where the hell have you been? WE haven’t seen you for about six months but we did hear you on dumteedum a couple of weeks back.”
Kenton was in great spirits having been allowed to blow the fluff out of his loudhailer, play appalling music over and over again, and comment on the wingle sicket while admitting that he doesn’t actually know anything about cricket.
Being offered a million pounds for a field in Bridge Farm even perked Pat up briefly. She might invest in something frivolous. Like….a rotary washing line. With typical Bridge Farm Archer eccentricity Justin came over and waved a cheque at them and rather than snatching it with a scream of delight they started telling anecdotes about nitrate fertiliser. Oh, Bridge Farm. Never knowingly normal.
They’re going to have trouble with Helen who is already ranting on about the pig poo factory. Oh, all anyone cares about is jobs, she said crossly. Well, yes. People that aren’t set to inherit a farm do tend to worry about that kind of thing Helen, yes. In other news from the over privileged, you can spot rich people as they never know when it’s bank holiday. Justin didn’t have a clue.
Tobes has decided that he can’t see Pip at all. There she is look, over there! It was all very bewildering. Last week she said that he kept texting her. Then this week he said she was texting him. I’ve just realised this sounds like Vicky Pollard. “No but yeah but he was like texting her and she got well pissed off and then he made her stop in the tractor and she was giving him evils and then he got well jealous because of Todd and she was only like speaking to him and that so anyway or nothing.” So and also he doesn’t seem able to speak to her with in the hours of daylight. For the third time he woke her up in the middle of the night. If anyone wakes me up in the middle of the night for stupid reasons they are lucky to emerge with their knackers but she seems remarkably sanguine about it.
So what do we have to look forward to? There are a number of storylines brewing away in a bucket like Tom’s fermented foods. Will Lilian turn out to be Justin’s new PA and stop being paid for simply putting out? Will Pip start to miss Toby now he’s said he’s not interested? How long will it be before Anisha whips out Lily’s eye? And, thanks to Justin Eliot, a massive pile of poo. But then, we always have that. It is the Archers, after all.
The end.
