Monologue 19 June 2017
It was patronise a townie day in Ambridge, or Open Farm Sunday, as we call it. These are cows. You might have seen them when you are driving along the motorway, said David bewilderingly. Who grazes cattle on the hard shoulder? Anyway…when you’re driving along to the funny little places where you people live in your funny little cars, we’re out doing a proper job, he said. It all went very well, and they all went to the pub afterwards, except Pip, who decided to stay behind and do the milking then lick the silage clamp clean.
Everyone at Bridge Farm was completely confused as to how the news about the land sale had leaked out. Hmmm. Who could it be? Why they didn’t immediate assume it was Susan the bridge farm colander I don’t know. She got a right ticking off by Pat who said I have asked you into the house which I don’t normally do because you are staff and have to eat your lunch perched on a milking stool while Helen throws cheese at you and lectures you on food hygiene. Susan was completely unrepentant, as she always is, but I couldn’t quite figure out what her opinion actually was. She managed to say she wasn’t a nimby, the village needed more housing, but she was entirely against it, and also entirely for it.
Meanwhile Sausageboy and Helen are already spending the money they haven’t got yet. Helen went to get inspiration from Felpersham Cathedral which seems slightly grandiose. It’ll be the first cheese shop with in-house choir stalls. Anyway it’s all sounding slightly dubious now. Justin seems to have gone slightly off the boil and was pretending to be on the phone with Singapore when Sausageboy rang, panting, to say yes please Uncle Justin can you be my real daddy? He was elbowed out of the way though by Horrible James who was helping himself to the contents of Justin’s pockets in return for going a nice long way away.
Freddie and Johnnie, the intellect vacuum, are back from the festival, bringing with them a septic eyebrow and probably a large dose of the clap. Freddie said he’d had an epiphany at the festival. It was his first epiphany ever with a girl called Bonnie. Well I presume it was a girl. With a name like Bonnie it could have been a Golden Retriever. Anyway Freddie showed his true colours by kicking Johnnie out of his own tent and spending all the money on drugs and didgeridoos so they couldn’t get home. When they did eventually make it back he was greeted with the words “My god that looks really nasty, I think it’s gone septic” but I wasn’t entirely sure which part of his anatomy he was showing everyone. Lily had been convinced Freddie was fine the whole time. Call it Twintuition, she said irritatingly. Or twatuition, possibly. It’s times like this I really miss Nigel, said Elizabeth. He could have understood Freddie, what with his Prince Albert. Anyway Elizabeth had a big chat with Freddie. Education is preparation for life, said Elizabeth. No it’s not! Education is learning how to write on one side of the paper only.
The sound effects people got a bit bored this week as no-one went riding so they didn’t get to do any coconutting. So instead they decided to concentrate on getting very very specific with drinks sound effects. Lilian was chatting to Justin, there was a tinkle of ice and I thought oh that’s not a gin and tonic. And I was right – it was a Pimms! So that either means they’re a bunch of perfectionists or I’m an alcoholic. I’m hoping Jimus will develop an obsession with Gibson martinis so someone’s got to work out how to impersonate a cocktail onion.
Everyone’s favourite couple, the appalling James and Leonie, came to visit with baby Mango. They bust up Lynda’s party with a gigantic row so that the scriptwriters could have a lovely mother in law war again. James trotted back to Ma. He’s not allowed to use Lilian’s and Justin’s bathroom because it’s too full of preparation H and dentufix.
Can we not have any more chats with Rex and Anisha running? All I can hear is a lot of nylon rubbing against each other and heavy breathing. It’s like being in the tent with Freddie and the Golden Retriever. Anyway Rex finally decided to stop acting like an Inbetweener and asked her out. On a proper date. With food and talking. And then ruined it by saying “you book it, I don’t know where”.
But I have had my own ephiphany. Only a small one. Maybe an epiphanette. Lilian does actually now need to run away with Matt. Yes he may be a crook. Yes he may be a shifty arsehole. Yes he may be crooked as a curlywurly but he never, ever patronised Lilian. He recognised her as being an equal. Justin’s lying and patronising to Lilian – paying off her son and lying about it, and making her look like a total arse in front of her family by not telling her about Bridge Farm. So I say ditch him Lils! Drop him like an 80s avocado bathroom suite and although I’d like to recommend that you get on with your life yourself without a male crutch, that’s about as likely as you joining the temperance movement so in the meantime, hook up with lovely criminal, dodgy, funny Matt. Hello Pusscat.
The End.
