Proposal for new “Ambridge Extra” drama: PC Burns is calling the forensics team into the break-in at Grange Farm…
Scene: The previously slightly-chintzy living room of Grange Farm is now in a state of turmoil – Sofa cushions lie torn and strewn about. Knick-knacks are broken. There is a slightly unfaded rectangle of wallpaper where a large flatscreen TV has been forcibly removed. In one corner, a would-be Bansky has had a go at leaving the homeowners an original work by way of recompense; it isn’t very good.
Two plummy ladies in their late sixties enter. They are dressed – rather incongrously – in police blouson jackets.
Jennifer: I must say, Lillian, it’s really rather wonderful to be starting in our new job as Borchester Constabulary forensic experts.
Lillian: You’re telling me darling – it’s just like in “Miss Marple” (She cackles, loudly)
Jennifer: Well, if police funding continues to go the way it is, enthusiastic amateurs are all they’re going to be able to afford.
Lillian: … and you know that taking a forensics job is going to upset Brian even more than getting your knockers out for “Calendar Girls”! (More cackling)
Jennifer: (outraged) Lillian!
Lillian: Come off it, Jenny darling – everyone knows the only reason you signed up is so that you have carte blanche to snoop around other people’s houses.
Jennifer: That’s an outrageous thing to say, Lillian and completely unjustified… oooh, I say, has Caroline had the Albion Deluxe kitchen installed? She didn’t say anything to me… (Jennifer busies herself, nosing around the kitchen, picking sniffily through the drawers)
Lillian: Who cares. At least the yobbos haven’t touched Oliver’s drinks cabinet. (She lifts a heavy glass decanter from the cabinet and pours herself a stiff drink) Ah well, the sun’s over the yardarm. (She swigs deeply from the glass) Bottoms up!
Jennifer: You can’t do that, Lillian – we’re forensics!
Lillian: (Swills the liquid around her mouth with a look of intense concentration. She is sampling… considering… analysing the brandy. She swallows it with a smack of her lips) Hmmm… that’s a very nice drop. It’s… cognac…nicely rounded… a Courvoisier! Courvoisier XO to be precise. Now that’s what I call a forensic palatte!
Jennifer: But this is a crime scene, Lillian! You’re drinking the evidence!
Lillian: (Pouring herself another very large tumblerful) Mmmm… tasty, tasty evidence!
Fade to black.
Title screen appears: CSI: Ambridge