This week on the archers was sponsored by magic wands incorporated – June 28th 2015
This week on the archers was sponsored by magic wands incorporated. Carol wanted a magic wand to perk Bert up, Vivat Rex wanted someone to wave a magic wand to get him some land but only one of those things happened.
Henry gave Wob a Father’s Day card, which sent chills through the listening public, then got sent out to play with his balls. Helen had titchynob’s whites laid out for him on his bed, and then she got all girly and tearful about the good news, ie Titchynob is now completely free to ruin her life as well.
Johnnie came back for a bit to be patronized into the ground by Sausageboy about Father’s Day.
Adam told Neil to use the heavy roller before the cricket match. He’s right, the heavy roller gives us a much better wave and the curl stays in for longer if you use lots of Elnett.
Charlie hobbled up to Adam and asked anxiously if Ian would be at the cricket match, gave him a birthday card, invited him to have a look at this executive cricket box and generally said everything except ‘I love youuuuuu, adam, do you love me? Do you do you ?”
Adam said Kate was hatching something or other – crabs probably. In another ludicrous personality shift Lilian actually listened to Unbearable Kate and did yoga with her as a preamble to Unbearable’s plan to open an alternative health centre. Where! There’s not even room for a bloody poultry farm and they’re in the middle of a farming community! While Lilian had one leg hooked behind her ear and her kundalini in the air, Unbearable Kate wouldn’t untie her until she’d agreed that it was a lovely business plan full of pretty pictures and that she would help her write it out properly and colour in up to the lines. Kate then immediately said, as did Lilian, and I don’t know why this even suprirsed me, “well when you show it to Brian it’ll have to look good’ or words to that effect. Why on earth would she not go to a bank and get a proper business loan? Why this automatic default to daddy when becoming indebted to daddy always goes wrong?
Anyway Lilian knows all about debt. “I can’t go round paying everyone that asks, darling”, she said making it all sound entirely reasonable. You kind of CAN go round paying everyone that you owe money to, Lilian, it;’s called honesty, instead of sitting on your maxmara bottom boozing and advising others on their business concerns from your lofty position as an alcoholic bankrupt.
Pat and Tony tried to put a brave face on Helen’s engagement to Titchynob, then had a heartfelt discussion, as they looked out across the reed beds draining all their poo away, about what they’d achieved in their time at Bridge Farm. They’ve lost a Welsh accent and changed character twice, for a start.
Heatherpet hates any mention of the word ‘care’, apparently. Particularly when it’s preceded with the words ‘I don’t’ from David.
Pip and vivat rex went out for a drink. Pip sipped her WKD and Rex had his head in his bowl, dripping water everywhere. All they need is a few acres, said Rex. And we’re so dedicated to the idea. So dedicated that we are planning on giving up completely after at least a fortnight of trying to go and be one of those irritating middle class gits in Hackett tops spying on teenage girls fishing the sand out of ther wetsuits.
It’s such a great idea with so much potential, selling seasonal poultry, said Pip. What? The Grundys have been doing it for bloody decades, never made a penny. Pip then tried to manipulate the entire village into letting the Farebrethren operate a poultry farm from their homes. Come on Aunty Peggy, you could fit at least three geese under your bed and a couple of turkeys in your airing cupboard. But no, david was suckered into it so now he’ll have the two sheepdogs panting round Pip all summer, pawing at her and shoving their noses up her crotch.
The good folk at the Bull have gone completely mad and decided to turn the area out side the Bull into a Murray Mint and give people hampers to eat on it, and make them sit under a piece of bin bag stretched over a deck chair. Kenton then got turned down like a bedspread by the fete worse than death committee who unanimously refused his gracious offer of a pile of loose chippings by the car park.
Brian and Adam had the kind of conversation where everyone gets cross and I don’t understand what it all means. All I hear is lamby lamby lamb costs feed lamb. Then Brian cheered up with a wine tasting at Gay Grables which consisted of a selection of wines to surprise you. That’ll be Blue Nun, a bucket of sangria and Carol Tobbogan’s vintage Cow Parsley and Listerine.
Carol Toboggan teased us all by saying she was a little bit witchy. With half the village on crutches you’d think she’d be anointing diseased limbs left right and centre.
The bees love carol’s aquillia apparently. Maybe she should stop smearing honey on it. Jill and Carol got a bit pissyboots and Carol announced she was trying to work out how to get Bert going again. Maybe she could use her magic wand as a sort of splint. Otherwise I reckon it’s jump leads and a couple of bottles of Day Nurse. Brian said Jill seemed a bit exuberant. You betcha. She was exuberant as a newt.
Jill and Pip both came home drunk and fought over the cold water tap. Did you have a nice time? Jill has now stopped hooting and started answering very faintly as if she’s actually fading away…. Yes I was out…. yes thank you I did….
Jennidarling got all excited about the environmental report on the plans for the road scheme. It is very exciting! It will shake Ambridge to the core! I don’t understand what on earth it is but it is very very good and it will change EVERYTHING. Hurrah – the end!
