Monologue 1 May 2017
This week on the Archers everything went a bit cosa nostra. There was a lot of family financial dodginess going on.
Poor old Toby had a horrible dream, poor little baby. He dreamt he was an over privileged no-hoper with a rubbish business, a depressed girlfriend and an ego the size of Buenos Aires. And then he woke up and etc etc. He was sad because he had to take down the still, which is officially now called the Still Rubbish, but then things went alright again as The Bull has decided to take on the investment into Dead Dog Gin. Kenton wasn’t sure whether to do it or not, but once he saw that lIly had drawn a picture of a dog it was a no-brainer. Which was appropriate.
The cricket went terrifically…wrong. Lily got hit on the elbow which just shows that someone on the team was probably aiming for her arse. Will Grundy pointed out that girls were awful at cricket and then went on to point out that girls were also awful at working as it makes their eyes go baggy and their arms fall off. Will, you are a massive nob-head.
However the cricket team agreed that Lily handled her bouncers very well. Like mother, like daughter. Boing boing.
Emmur and Nic met up in the tea rooms to discuss how sodding useless their respective husbands were. In fact every time those two meet I end up thinking what a shame it is they can’t jettison the brothers Grundy and just go off together.
David went slinking over to Home Farm to tell Brian that actually it may a little bit have been Brookfield’s fault. Oh jolly good, said Brian. I will tell you to the penny how much you owe and you can fork it all over, straight away, and I’ll count it. We are family, after all. I am so glad we can bury the hatchet. Yesss, said David through gritted teeth, wishing he could bury it right in Pip’s head.
Then he went off to see Bridge Farm. Tom accepted David’s offer with his usual good grace and advocated sticking it to Brookers, suing them, bringing them to their knees and generally screwing them over.
Hooty, hating to see some kind of family drama going on that she wasn’t involved with, decided to plonk her size 5 easy fit loafers smack in the middle of it by telling Ruth that she shouldn’t feel like she is feeling and that none of it had anything to do with David. Which helped immensely.
Lilian has spent the entire week marching around the village telling everyone how happy she is. Happy happy happy. Yup. Completely happy. Nothing to see here. Keep moving.
Pip carried on slumping around the farm. Alice the wedding planning nuclear physicist decided to cheer Pip up by taking her to see a smelly horse and telling her about a man trying to touch her knee. Bizarrely this worked so successfully that Pip didn’t want to go home ever again but wanted to live with Uncle Chris and Aunty Alice for ever and ever.
Linda had clearly pissed off Ambridge’s leading Mafia members as she woke up to discover a field full of horses hobnobbing with her llamas. She rushed to ring Harassment, the thick head of the law. Yes I think they are horses. You need to feed them horse food and give them horse water to drink. Unless they are sea horses. Then do not do that.
Alastair’s worried that one of the horses has got a massive parasite problem – is it Toby again?
Matt’s got a new wheeze. In fact Matt’s got more new wheezes than an asthmatic with a blocked inhaler. He’s going to build a new racetrack in Costa Rica. He’s dealing with a load of investors, all of whom sound as honest as the day is long. Yes, no dodginess there at all. Horse racing and gambling in Costa Rica sound entirely legitimate. Completely. Anyway, he’s also going to fill this racetrack with horses. In fact there are six he’s got his eye on already, in Lynda’s paddock. One of them’s only got three legs and another’s got a heart condition and a gammy foot but apart from that they’ll be a winner, Brian. Cannot fail.
Jerome Weatherill, the big shot top barrister, has been nabbed by Miranda before Justin could get a hold of him. Justin’s worried that he’ll emerge from the divorce court in his underpants with his knackers in a Lidl shopping bag.
This is where things got really Sopranos. Pat, was sent by the Bridge Farm capo to represent the family at Brookers. The heads of the family met over cannoli and coffee at Brookfield, while Hooty played the violin in the background. Patty the Potato turned out to be a surprisingly good negotiator by becoming shrill every time they suggested that Tony’s toy cows might not be real cows so the Archer family have finished up having to sell a kidney each to pay them off. Except Ben. Ding dong!
More family business over at Home Farm: Jennifer, I’ve had an idea that is going to please every member of the Aldridgino clan, said Brian. He went on to explain that he was going to give his stepson that dislikes him but works on his farm, his stepdaughter that likes him but works in a different country, his non-farming astrophysicist wedding planning salesperson daughter, his other daughter who loathes all commercial farming practises and the son of the dead woman he was knocking off one share each. “But me and you, we’re going to be more equal than the rest of them. Jennifer. Friends are not as important as family. Do not confuse the loyalty of friendship with the bond of blood. And tell your sister to get the fuck out of my wine fridge.”
The end
