Monologue 15 May 2017
Ah, the dawn walk. Lots of tits in a field. Mummy made me get up early because she’s a maniac. Loony loony loony! shouted Henwee. They all hopped about in a field while Lynda lectured them on speeding and made them crouch in a hedge while all the birds for a mile away legged it as they could hardly hear themselves tweet over the rustling of cagoules.
The big meeting happened at Home Farm. “Oh of course no-one’s going to turn against you” said everyone to everyone else, in gleeful ignorance of every family schism that has ever occurred in Ambridge over the disposal of assets since the beginning of time. I think that went about as well as we could have hoped, said Jennifer afterwards, mopping up the blood.
Quick update – Ben is represented by a doorbell and Debbie is a sparkly noise which I presume is supposed to represent Skype. They must be saving a fortune on actor’s wages. Next week Jill is played by a barn owl and Adam by a lawnmower.
Pip’s self-flagellation continues. She was going to sleep on the dining room table under the tablecloth, as she couldn’t find a big rusty spike. She had a little reunion with Toby which didn’t go awfully well. First of all she didn’t want the take away she said “I’ve had a flapjack and now I’ve finished lashing myself with nettles I’m not hungry”. Then Toby suffered from gin makers droop. I fear he doesn’t find welts attractive. Anyway….the upshot was Toby was dumped. I’m paraphrasing here but Pip said basically I don’t like you because you’re a massive liar. No I’m not, he said, lying.
Hooty threw a shit fit because she didn’t know what was going on in her son and daughter in law’s business. She immediately started to do an Aunty Piggy and wave her cheque-book around but David assured her that that would not be necessary as things were definitely not going to get any worse. Nope. Absolutely not. Guaranteed, that is.
Over at Home Farm, Jennidarling listened to Lilian whinging on about how little she sees Justin and Jennidarling suggested she went off and dealt with her clematis in the garden of the Dower House. Not for the first time, either…
Poor Piggy. Brian mistook Bill for a massive speed bump and trundled over him in the 4 by 4. As Bill was the size of a small bungalow I’m staggered he didn’t snap an axle. Robert’s going to dig a grave for poor old Bill. They’re bringing the earth movers and the props in now, but they’re slightly worried that they’re going to dig such a massive cavern St Stephens could fall in.
Piggy showed her normal warm hearted sentimental side by sounding so unconcerned about Bill that when they asked if she wanted him buried or cremated I thought she was going to suggest flushing him down the loo. She was more annoyed that Aunty Cardboard was silently absorbing all the attention by silently crying in her room while Jill hooted at her.
Piggy is copying the Archers technique for squeezing guilt out of someone like jam out of a doughnut and is making Brian go on Lynda’s speed watch course, build a shrine to Bill and donate a kidney for suppertime at the Cats Protection League. She was hopping mad with Brian for not fessing up. “You didn’t have the guts,” she said. “I did,” he said. “Bill’s. They’re all over my wheel arch.”
Alice the wedding planning astrophysicist farm machinery salesperson gave Adam the hard sell and then finished it off, bizarrely, with Ta-daa! Sweet. I can’t imagine why she’s not selling much when that’s how she finishes her big pitches.
Matt had a nice drinky-poos with Latif played by the late Omar Sharif and the man from the Milk Tray advert. Matt is only interested in big boys, apparently, so Latif must be a big boy. He sounded less than impressed at Matt’s turning up at the meeting hauling his electronic tag behind him and wearing suit covered in arrows. There was a strange little exchange with Alastair and Anisha in which Alastair basically said so I hear you’ve been making arrangements for our veterinary practice with a total stranger and an ex jailbird conman, what’s that all about and she said coquettishly none of your business. Really? Those words will come back to haunt you Anisha when you and Alastair wake up handcuffed to each other in a bat filled cave at the hands of a Costa Rican gang. Oh God….they’re bringing Ambridge extra back, aren’t they?
The End.
