Monologue – 16 Jan 2017
Tracey said that Susan looked like a fifties filmstar on her photos. Boris Karloff in Voodoo Island, maybe.
Jill decided to do a bit of sitting room parkour and decided to scale the bookshelves like a sort of geriatric spiderwoman. Inevitably she fell off and bust her ankle. Toby took this as an opportunity to grapple her into a wrestling hold and get her put in a home, stopping off at A&E first and running around the hospital with her in a wheelchair, cornering on two wheels cackling while Jill screamed with fury and tried to smack him with her handbag. “A fall like that could be the beginning of the end for some people,” said Ruth hopefully. No such luck. She’s now sitting in the corner glowering at everyone and whinging because people are looking after her. The bastards.
In the meantime Rex decided that because his father had stopped his pocket money he was going to live on lentils. Which will also take care of the central heating bills as long as he wears baggy trousers. In fact they could hook his underpants up to the Bungalow and live entirely off grid.
Over at Brookfield, the aliens had landed. This manifested in Jill and her dramatic personality change over the last two months. I know she has this obsession with Toby but she’s started saying things she wouldn’t say before. “Pleasant couple.”, “always nice to help your neighbours” Who IS she? Has the real Jill been stolen by aliens and implanted in some sort of martian breeding programme and we’ve been left with a cyber-Jill?
In another bizarre alien intervention, not only has Pip managed to get the universally loathed Farebrethren land on the farm, one of them is installed with their farm worker and the other is shagging her and living in their cottage but she’s now suggesting that her father gives them a rent break on land David wishes they weren’t renting at all. This is clearly mind control. I’d love to know exactly who she thinks she is.
Happy birthday to Pat. She celebrated by eating tuna sandwiches and changing Giddyjack’s nappy. God that woman knows how to live. She then gave a weird speech in which she started talking about members of her family as if they weren’t there. I lost my daughter for several months…yes that daughter, over there, look, the one sitting two inches away from me..
Miranda wants to give Lilian a helping hand with Justin. Really? He’s an older gentleman, two of them at once may be a bridge too far. They had a diary session at the Dower House and then miranda got her foot stuck in a bucket and fell over.
Did anyone else notice by the way, we had a “right you are” every day last week?
There was more boring nonsense about herbal lays, mob grazing and the land grab. I’ll summarise for you. Adam was cross but now he’s happy. Brian was happy, then he was cross, now he’s happy again. Jennidarling was cross and now she’s happy. Kate is mad and Alice is thick. The word leverage is used. That’s as much as I got.
Lily Pargeter is being played by Emma Watson playing Hermione Grainger. She’s deeply annoying and is being very supportive of her poor brother who has managed to bog up his GCSEs for the second time. Can Elizabeth not grasp that Freddie has inherited half her husband’s brains…the half that were presumably now spread out all over the terrace on January 1st.
I may never have to see Rob again, said Helen to Krusty. Yes. That’s likely. Bearing in mind he’s the father of your child and works about two miles away from you. Helen spent an hour trying not to ask Krusty if she was pregnant. More babies, Krusty? Bread, sorry. Oop I’ll just pick up your nappy. Kin. Then with her customary “how can i make this all about meeeee?” she decided to blow the gaffe. Krusty went on the warpath but was startled back on to the straight and narrow by Roy announcing that he wanted to get pregnant. He’s a one, that Roy, isn’t he?
