Monologue – 18 Apr 2017
We began the week knocking Justin and Brian’s balls around on the golf course. In the clubhouse, Matt sent over a bottle of something unpleasant to Brian and Justin’s table. Judging by Justin’s reaction it was either Toby’s gin with its distinctive aroma of Lynx Africa, a urine sample or even worse, Jacob’s Creek. What was even more peculiar was the accent of the waiter that brought the wine over. He sounded like Tattoo in Fantasy Island. Ze plane boss, ze plane!
Pip finished a triumphant week of magnificent cock ups by breaking the tractor. She snapped its underwiring I think. Maybe she got it caught in the spinny bit of the washing machine. I do that quite a lot.
Tony took on the challenging role of the village heavy and went over to threaten Matt about Lilian. He went over, stood in front of him while Matt sat in his swimming trunks sipping a coffee and said now you, you get out of here. Matt said no and Tony said righto then. So that told him.
Brookfield’s imploding. Even the bee colony has collapsed. Apparently they’d knocked through into the hive upstairs but hadn’t used an RSJ. Kirsty’s offered to come over and prop it up while they stick honey in the holes.
Ed Grundy handled the threat to his manhood of his wife acting like an equal partner with his customary grace. Is it new? Is it different? Well, I don’t like it then. She’s done her first stint in the chicken factory. Not that pleasant a way of spending an evening, Neil said to Emma. Snapping the rubber gloves on and fiddling about with a load of pimply skin…you must be relieved you’re at the chicken factory.
After the successful campaign of the protest group People Demanding to be Allowed to be in Teams at Sports they are Rubbish at, Harassment announced he was having an open audition for the cricket. An audition? I mean I’m not sporty, but are they not called try outs, or trials or something? So everyone turned up for the audition in their leotards, doing their stretches and their vocal warm ups. Fallon decided she was going to go for a full toss before she did the soliloquy from Hamlet, a soft shoe shuffle and the first two verses of As Long as He Needs Me.
Jolene was holding her own, said Kenton, which is a change as she’s normally holding Kenton’s to make sure he gets it in the lavatory bowl. Everybody was good at the cricket except Usha who was a bit rubbish. Harassment said she gave it a good go for a girl and even though she’s not any good at the throwing and hitting and running about she is good at hair, so she can be the cricket hairdresser.
David was very cross with Ssusageboy after he put rude things about Brookers on the Bridge Farm website and told everyone at the NFU that David was a smelly old poo-bag who didn’t wash his hands and he’d given germs to all the cows. “I’m a former chair”, said David. But now I’m a coffee table. Oh God, he’s heading for the toy farm set again, isn’t he?
Helen is going to have a really zippy, fun, bohemian birthday this year as it’s her first birthday of freedom. She’s going to play bricks with the children, eat lamb and Johnnie’s coming. Woohoo! Aren’t suddenly discovered relatives brilliant!
Something a bit bewildering is going on with Alan. Usha wants him to go on holiday and he says he can’t because he’s too busy with God and the Jesus because of Easter eggs. And he’s being so busy with God and the Jesus and the Easter eggs because he feels bad because he didn’t stop Helen stabbing Rob with custard. Anyway I think Usha should just take the hint. He just doesn’t want to go away with Usha because wherever they go on holiday she’ll find an obscure local sport and demand to be on the team of it. Theres no reason I can’t play underwater hockey! I know I can’t swim but I demand to be on the team!
Anyway Matt and Lilian had a bit of a post-mortem about their own colony collapse that went so well she galloped off. She burst in to the Dower House while Justin was cataloguing his collection of carrier bags and went down on her knees before him. Justin thought his luck was in but sadly she wanted to propose. And even more sadly he said yes. So ring out those bells, let’s all buy hats and then we can wear them when Lilian dumps Justin at the altar and sods off to Paraguay with Matt. The End!
