Monologue – 24 Apr 2017
We began the week on Easter Sunday in Rickyard Cottage. It’s not like your mum to hold a grudge, said Toby. Eh? She’s still harping on about mee mutha and she passed away years ago in a burger king car park next to the AA man under his massive umbrella outside Charnock Richard services.
Then we popped over to Home Farm where Jenni darling was preparing an Easter feaster for the assembled hordes. Lilian was being girlishly skittish and announced, “I’m sure Brian will slip Justin something more to his liking if he gets desperate.” Golly. You’re not even married yet Lilian.
Justin and Lilian drove along happily off to see Piggy, with Lilian sitting in the front fingering her ring. Yes, it is a bit ostentatious mum, but I wanted everyone to see how rich I am. Happy, I mean. You’re not losing a daughter mum, you’re gaining a millionaire. Again.
Hooty Jill has her finger on the nub and has correctly identified Toby Fairbrother as the originator of Pip’s not fessing up and is being primly smug, which makes a change from the times when she’s being smugly prim. Ruth’s not talking to Pip, Elizabeth’s still furious with Kenton, David’s cross with Josh, Ruth’s furious with Jill, Josh hates everybody and Ben’s still a door bell. So, with the grim inevitability of Greek tragedy, they’re having a family party and Hooty, never happier than when she can pretend to be optimistic about the prospect of a family party at which she’s fairly sure someone’s going to rip out the throat of a blood relative, hopped about saying ‘oh won’t it be lovely’. No. No, it won’t.
Shula said that her and Alastair were in a good place right now which means they’re about to split up, go bankrupt or die. Or possibly all three at once. So that’s something to look forward to.
Contrary to all my dire predictions, Anisha has not left Ambridge forever and saddled Alastair with enormous debts, she’s just pissed off Piggy which makes her alright by me.
Piggy’s furious because Anisha said Bill the cat was a massive obese lump. Alastair would have cringed obsequiously before her and said oh, the fatter the better, Piggy, keep up with the turkey twizzlers in a cream sauce, here’s my bill but there’s no need to pay it straight away, just send one of your liveried pageboys around with some gold sovereigns, m’lady.
Meanwhile Emmur was being topical about the general election. Oh, hang on…what’s that in the corner…oh, it’s a shoehorn. When she’d finished being topical she attempted to get Ed into first gear and suggested that as a grown man with two children of his own he might want to stop living with his mummy and his daddy but he said no, I like it. I can remember where the loo is in this house and I find that confusing when I’m somewhere different. I don’t like different.
Justin’s got Piggy eating out of his hand, apparently. Urr. It caused a bit of a stir at the engagement party at the Bull. They ran out of champagne but they fixed that by popping an alka seltzer in some Jacob’s Creek so that was fine. Matt turned up, so that was fun. He tried to big himself up as a stud to Anisha. Oh leave it out, Matt. She’ll have your eye out. Sir Rexahad of the Round Table decided to wade in and rescue Anisha from a situation with which she was coping admirably. Honestly the Fairbrethren testosterone flows in all the wrong directions – you’ve got one who can’t open a pack of butter without whipping his top off, flexing his muscles and helping himself to the contents of your wallet, and the other one who’s terrified of women in general but still seems to feel they are helpless ickle butterflies.
Elizabeth Pargetter, queen of the sleeping bags and the original Merry Widow, is 50 years old. A half century not out but she has seen a fair few googlies. Elizabeth and Lily planned the playlist for Elizabeth’s party and they picked something from every decade of Elizabeth’s life. Which is five tracks. Better get up there quick and dance then as it’ll all be over in 15 minutes. 7 for half past, back home in time for Midsomer Murders. Elizabeth pushed the boat out by putting her hair in a plait. She was still in her dressing gown and slippers, though, but it’s best to be comfy.
Lily had annoyed her by inviting all her facebook friends. She ought to be grateful Lily hadn’t got hold of Elizabeth’s little black book. It’s the size of Hansard.
Ruth and Pip had a strange assignation in the lavatory while Pip said mum I cannot imagine why you’re so cross with me, I really can’t. I mean apart from the lying and the incompetence and the cattle deaths and the way that has led to most of our family and the village now hating us, apart from that though, what is it? Well Pip, you shouldn’t have asked. Never ask a question you don’t already know the answer to. Maybe you could build bridges by asking your mum how she coped when she was so honest with her own family about the fact that she was shagging a cowman….oh no wait. She wasn’t. The end!
