Monologue – 6 Feb 2017
Is Pip actually trying to drive Toby away? If she isn’t, she’s doing a really good impression of someone who’s completely romantically tone deaf. Let’s give the septic tank a good scrub out, then we’ll light some scented candles and I’ll read Caitlin Moran’s latest column out to you while we sign up for a joint tax account. Where are you going, Tobeeee?
Anyone remember Norman Collier? Hi Pip, it’s me, Toby. I’m going up to Brighton. I’ve got to see a xxxxx and give it a xxxxx and when I get home you could give me a xxxxx and I’ll tell you a pile of xxxxx and you’ll believe it. Byeeee!
However when he got back, he found that Pip had waterboarded Rex until he told her about Brighton. He is going there to help Zammo McGuire get over a heroin addiction. Just say no, kids. That will only be understood by people who watched british children’s tv in the seventies, RoLAND.
Susan was setting the shop alight with the gossip about Krusty and Tom. She adopted her usual tactic of withholding Alastair’s change until she’d mined him for his opinions. That didn’t work but she cheered up when Tracy appeared. Ten of the usual, said Tracy. Extra ribbed.
Lilian and Justin enjoyed a cringe little episode at the Dower House. Just them, a bottle of ten year old Dom Perignon and Lilian’s new negligee. She went to Underwoods lingerie apartment but they didn’t have her size so she cobbled something together with two kumquats and half a pound of streaky from the Bridge Farm Shop. Things were all going very well until Miranda arrived home. Justin told Lilian to slip up the back passage. For the second time that morning. What was bizarre about that scene was there seemed little sense of urgency. Oh bye then darling, don’t forget to pick up my thong from the light fitting, wash the sheets to get my Scent of Borsetshire Nights off them, remake the bed, hide the two plates, two knives, two wine glasses and 17 bottles we’ve left all over the house. You wouldn’t need to be Miss Marple to figure it out really, would you?
In an occasional series, “Only on the Archers” we enjoyed another phrase you’d never hear anywhere else. Good luck with the rest of the hedge! Even Rex doesn’t need luck with a hedge. It’s hardly going to spring out on you, or lead you into a secret world. Why would you need luck to deal with a hedge?
Talking of hedges, Titchynob’s been living in one. he’s been surviving on upcycled scones from the bin behind the tea rooms. He hung around the Lower Loxley Young Offenders Institute to talk to Henwee which was a bit of an achievement in itself bearing in mind to get into a primary school these days you have to cross a landmine studded playground and submit to a retina scan. And also Henwee wouldn’t be remotely interested in a secret surprise to play on mummy. A five year old’s idea of a secret surprise would be mummy getting kicked up the bum and pushed in a cow pat.
OOooh, it’s windy windy windy! Daddy, why have you grown a beard? Whatever it is, unless there’s some kind of pay off that involves m and ms I’m not doing it. I’ve been living at Bridge Farm, all I’ve had to eat is runner bean sandwiches for months and I’m a laughing stock at school.
Anyway Rob, on the set of Withering Heights according to the BBC sound effects department, tried to abduct little Giddyjack until Pat dressed as Godzilla pushed a tree over to block his exit. She’d been talking to Krusty about her chipolata in the oven. Krusty said “Now you do understand Pat, don’t you?” and Pat said hurriedly ‘yes yes”. She’d already had all that “when a man and a lady have a special cuddle” scenario from Tom and she just couldn’t face it again.
Henwee was just irritated because he wanted to go and play transformers with Elijah. He was hoping to transform into a 5 year old who could string a sentence together.
Helen turned into the Terminator “I’m going to need your car and your baby”. Pat tossed the tree trunk out of the way with one hand and they drove off into the sunset, pausing only to back over Rob’s groin. I daren’t say hurrah, but hurrah. Sort of. The End.
