Monologue – 9 Jan 2017
The jolly Aldridges went to what sounded like the most boring New Year’s eve party in the world at Gay Grables. Tommy Croaked It Junior and his Palm Court Orchestra tinkled genteelly in the background while Lilian huffed about having worn her best knickers, the ones with the velcro, just in case Justin did turn up after all. Jennifer gritted her twinset and had a go at enjoying herself and got cross with her husband. Brian, panicked at the thought that Justin not getting his oats with his sister in law might jeopardise his land grab, threw money at the problem. This didn’t work either.
Brian I am not a small child that you need to distract with something shiny, honestly…new bathroom? Oh that’s a thought. Maybe with something for Lilian? Some sort of special shower attachment….a 22 year old gym instructor called Joaquim, maybe?
So for how long has Tracey Horobin been attractive? I pictured her with a Croydon facelift eating a Gregg’s pasty, but suddenly she’s ‘got it going on’, according to Tom. In my experience that generally means a sizeable chestal area but who knows. Mind you then Tom went on to refer to Tracy as flighty because she’s had more than one boyfriend and changed her job a few times. Says the man who dumped his girlfriend at the altar, started a sausage business, then a ready meal business, then a pig business, then emigrated, then came back and is now making mashed up pig for babies. Pompous arse.
Tracy certainly showed a level of dedication in her fondness for Roy, attaching herself to his face like a Dyson. He looked like Lesley Ash by the time she’d finished. That scene also featured some of the most unpleasant sound effects I’ve ever heard. It quite put me off my Ovaltine and I longed for those halcyon days when we were in the shower with the Matey Bubbles, Sid and Jolene.
Tom then continued the trend of being an absolute nob end by progressing from harassing Krusty, to promising to leave her alone, to asking her to move in with him, to promising to leave her alone again, to asking her to marry him. At which point she kneed him smartly in the groin. And if she didn’t, she should have done.
And now some really sad news. It’s a terrible blow and I’m not sure how they’ll cope but Rex and Toby….they aren’t…sorry, this just made me really emotional…..they aren’t getting any more money from their father. I mean I don’t know how any of us would cope without our trust funds. I mean this is real, rural poverty. They’re down to their last rugby shirt. Last ski trip. Oh the humanity.
Rob and Adam had a hissy little exchange in a wheat field. Basically every time Rob challenged Adam about the fact that he’s turned profitable land into a bramble covered dustbowl, Adam said ‘and how are your children oh yes you didn’t see them did you, ha ha.” Then the Button girls wrote something unpleasant but entirely accurate on Rob’s car. Ambridge 2, Titchynob nil. The most startling thing was that Roy Tucker seems to have developed psychic abilities. He was able to detect the fact that Krusty was up the clanger simply by Tom acting bizarrely and something being up. Tom’s acted bizarrely for most of his adult life so quite how he drew that conclusion god knows but I think he should get some sort of pyschic telephone line.
Talking of Tom, Bridge Farm with Helen back at the helm has returned to its usual crazy menu ideas. Kale apple and walnut soup – that’s what you find in the bottom of a guinea pig hutch when it’s thrown its food into its water bowl, and pork curry with cauliflower rice. That’s apparently going under the aisle marked “clean eating” rather than “joyless muck”.
Johnnie invited his new best friend Freddie Pargeter to come and eat chips with him and then burned the house down. Johnnie and Freddie have clubbed together, added it up and between them they now have seven brain cells. Freddie’s struggling to learn to drive because he gets confused between the foot go down faster and the foot go down stop and the backwards stick. Johnnie can’t count to thirty and doesn’t know things are hot when they come out of the oven. Or that really really hot cupboard as he calls it. Aren’t burns brilliant!
Toby went to the shop to buy a card to accompany the bouquet he bought Pip to apologise. I’m not sure anyone makes cards that says “To a special girlfriend – sorry for making you have to dress up as a six foot goose”. Bit niche. Other news from the shop – Susan, tired of Jimus’ verbose pussyfooting around threw Titchynob out so hard he bounced half way to Keepers Cottage. Happy New Year Susan. You rock.
