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“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view … until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.” Harper Lee. (For my purpose read his/her)
I think there are too many people commenting on this storyline who have never had to deal with domestic abuse. It’s easy to say ‘she shouldn’t have done it’ or ‘it’s ruined the story because she stabbed him – hardly happens in real life’ (that last me really kills me. How could they POSSIBLY know! As marmaduke quite rightly says statistics are rubbish and should be ignored at all times)
I watched my mother being abused mentally and physically by my father from my earliest days until my father killed himself. Us kids would often be bundled into the car by my mother at 2am to get away from him. Unless you’ve been in the middle of it you can’t possible know what people are capable of, abuser or abused.
Marmaduke of course you are right. In every possible way. Gender doesn’t matter. Abuse is abuse. Full stop. I’ve seen one too many comments this last week about it being unrealistic, she wouldn’t have stabbed him, in really life she would’ve stayed and suffered etc etc etc. Nonsense.
So. Unless you’ve walked in my skin or marmaduke’s then you need to think hard. Everyone reacts differently. It’s as valid a storyline to have Helen stab rob than it would’ve been to have her bow down before him again. Or have him exposed by someone else. In fact I doubt he would’ve been exposed in real life. Marmaduke’s experience confirms that.
And it could easily have been her abusing him.
Marmaduke my heart goes out to you and I hope you’ve found the strength to live a happy and fulfilled life and that your mother and her actions are far behind you.
And if this storyline does anything it won’t be to encourage people in abusive relationships,male or female to hurt their abusers. But it will let them know there are places then can go to get help.
Thank you marmaduke for posting. And if you can’t call in then email. Your comments would be most welcome!
My rant over now too…..
I would like to second All the above comments, thank the authors for sharing, hope passionately that you have both found a route to peace and please do email your comments Marmaduke they are far too valuable not to reach a wider audience.
Thanks Marmaduke and Aunty Jean. You are right that abuse and bullying needs to be uncovered and people supported through it whoever and wherever it takes place. Thanks to you both for sharing your stories.
Thank you both for these stories, i myself have been emotionally and physically abused by my mother and boyfriends, i have been asked “why did you stay?” and the answer is always the same “i didn’t think i could leave”.
People have been downright wretched about Helen not leaving (i got into a little bit of a Twitter spat about it on Monday) and those people should be ashamed at their lack of empathy and critical thinking.
Trouble is Charlie Cat that anyone who’s not been through it thinks it easy to leave. ‘Why’ they say ‘ you pack your bags and go’. Just like Helen tried to. But we know, you and I that it isn’t easy. Not. At. All. That’s because you think. ‘I can’t’ or ‘How?’
When my mum did go she was back in a matter of days or at the most a few weeks. Its hard w it works. Helens way out is extreme yes but it does and will happen.
To everyone saying ‘all it does is tell abused people they can go around stabbing their abuser’ (there was a daft letter in the telegraph today which said just that). No it doesn’t! Give people and that includes abused people some credit.
Charlie Cat I hope you’re ok now and in a happy relationship.
Thanks you for all your kind comments. I can only agree about the amount of ill informed discussion going on. For example, regarding Pat, Tony, Peggy, etc missing the signs: I can almost guarantee that, had you meet my mother, you would have liked her. Everybody adored her. She had quite amazing charisma; and my introverted nature was one of her favourite target areas.
Thinking about what I wrote, I feel I should end on a more positive note. I looked up the Action Line page that the BBC have been advertising and was very pleased to see that, as well as links to women’s organisations, there are also links to help groups for men, for the LGBT community and also for people who think that they might actually be abusers. I’m glad to see all of these, including the last, and genuinely hope that maybe, somewhere out there, a few Robs, or even Robertas, might have recognised themselves in the story and had the courage (and I suspect it would take quite a lot of courage) to make contact.
So, whilst I don’t dispute that genuinely irredeemable psychopaths do exist, I suspect that they are pretty rare (maybe Witherspoon or someone can throw some light on this) and that nurture usually trumps nature. The famous Philip Larkin poem is all too sadly true.
But it’s not all bad news. For myself, after decades of failed relationships (the moment things looked like they might be getting serious, I would just panic and “shut down”), anxiety attacks, flashbacks, black depressions and lying awake at night wondering how best to end it all (and “real men” are very, very good at hiding these things), about 10 years ago I gritted my teeth, walked into my GP’s surgery and said “I think I might be ill”. I was very, very lucky. My GP understood mental health, took me seriously, and I finally started to get the help I needed to start turning the corner and to appreciate that learned behaviours can be changed.
So, when thinking about domestic abuse, don’t forget that other great taboo subject of our time: mental health. The two walk hand in hand and, while TA has touched on mental health in the past, I don’t think it has ever been very convincingly done (eg Kenton’s miracle recovery). Maybe the next phase of this story will create an opportunity to put this right.
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