Some reflections on the Rob and Helen story.

[marmaduke]

First of all, to Lucy, Roifield and Millie, I love the show. For various personal reasons I’m afraid I’m not going to become a callerinerer but do keep it up. It’s one of highlights of my week.

Now, to business. To start with the easy bits.

1. Hats off to Louiza Patikas, Annabelle Dowler and Tim Watson for their absolutely brilliant acting.

2. Some thoughts on why Helen decided to cook Rob a farewell meal before announcing that she leaving him. Yes, it was an absolutely crazy thing to do but being in that sort of situation distorts your thinking. I suspect a tiny, probably subconscious, part of Helen was still in denial about Rob’s true nature and was hoping that when she threatened to leave he would beg her to stay and promise to reform and everything would be all right. But of course, even if that had happened, any such promises would have been utterly hollow.

3. Finally, into much more difficult territory. I started writing this a few days ago after “that” episode and I’ve been dithering about whether to post it as I suspect some people may find the contents unpalatable, but I’m going to because I think it’s important and if I get gunned down then so be it. It’s not a topic I’ve ever aired in public before and it’s very difficult for me to write about.

So, before I start, please let me make it absolutely clear that I do not and never would condone domestic abuse perpetrated in any way by men against their female partners. It is a huge issue and one that the programme has done well to highlight. I shouldn’t have to say this but I don’t want anyone to misunderstand me.

Having got that out of the way, deep breath and here goes.

Whilst I think it’s great that this important issue is being highlighted, I am, for reasons that I hope will become clear, feeling uncomfortable with the way that the issue of domestic abuse seems to me to be being presented in the surrounding media as something that is about couples and is gender based, with men as the abusers and women as the victims (for example Sean O’Connor stating that this story highlights the programmes commitment to women’s issues and only women’s support organisations being represented). Maybe I’m over sensitive on this point, but if I am I hope you can at least recognise that I have reason to feel that way.

Statistics generally show that the majority of victims of domestic abuse are women. However, there also seems to be good evidence that the situation is nowhere near as one sided as many people, in my experience, assume. But for me, bandying around statistics as to who is abusing whom most misses the point. Every single case of domestic abuse is a tragedy, whether it is physical or emotional, whether the victim is female or male and whatever the nature of their relationship with the abuser.

In my case, I was subjected to what I now recognise to be prolonged abuse by my mother (and yes, I do mean the woman who gave birth to me). She was charming, talented, charismatic, narcissistic and emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. There was nothing like ChildLine in those days and anyway I’d been brought up to believe that to be a man (which of course I wasn’t, not that it would have excused her behaviour if I had been) I had to stand on my own feet and cope with these things. Maybe I was to blame (she kept telling me I was)? If I only tried to love her more and to behave better, maybe she would change (she never did, and as I now appreciate, was never going to)? So I kept quiet and kept struggling.

I’ve been living with the emotional consequences ever since.

My mother died many years ago, but I still remember the disgust I felt at her funeral as a succession of people came up to me to commiserate and say how lucky I was to have had such a “wonderful mother” (just like the scenes where the characters discuss what a “marvellous husband” Rob is). I still remember the knot in my stomach as I came home from school not knowing which version of her I would be confronted with (just as Helen would have felt as Rob stepped through the door).

In short, this story can resonate for a man as well as for a woman and for a child (and, I expect, a parent), as well as for a partner. The character of Helen of course deserves all the sympathy she is rightly receiving, but at the very least do not forget the plight of poor Henry, to whom my heart goes out (even though he doesn’t really exist, as I have to keep reminding myself) or the unborn child (what sort of relationship will he have with his parents?), who are just as much victims in this if not more so.

So, if you suspect there is abuse going on in a family relationship, please don’t look away because the suspected victim isn’t the “wife”. Please don’t assume that relative physical size is necessarily significant: my mother was 5’ 4” while I, whilst much this was going on, was a 6’+ teenager. She had the power and that’s what matters. Oh, and please don’t go into denial or start making excuses for the abuser, as people have often done with me when I’ve tried to talk about what happened. There are no excuses.

Domestic abuse is wrong. All of it. Full stop. It’s everybody’s issue.

So, to any women or girls but also to any men and boys, maybe especially boys, who might be finding that the storyline rings uncomfortably true. Whatever you do, don’t be like me.

Whatever your age or gender and whatever the nature of your relationship to the abuser, you deserve support and, unlike when this was happening to me, there are now many places you can go for that support. Not as many as there should be maybe, but they do at least exist, and they are not only for women. I truly hope that you will never need them, but if you do, please use them.

To conclude. I’m sorry about the length of this post. Having stayed silent for so many years I guess I needed to vent. One thing has always stayed with me. It’s a line from the children’s novel Watership Down which just caught my feelings at the time exactly. “You can’t imagine it unless you’ve been there”. I’ve been there.

[Aunty Jean]

“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view … until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.” Harper Lee. (For my purpose read his/her)

I think there are too many people commenting on this storyline who have never had to deal with domestic abuse. It’s easy to say ‘she shouldn’t have done it’ or ‘it’s ruined the story because she stabbed him – hardly happens in real life’ (that last me really kills me. How could they POSSIBLY know! As marmaduke quite rightly says statistics are rubbish and should be ignored at all times)

I watched my mother being abused mentally and physically by my father from my earliest days until my father killed himself. Us kids would often be bundled into the car by my mother at 2am to get away from him. Unless you’ve been in the middle of it you can’t possible know what people are capable of, abuser or abused.

Marmaduke of course you are right. In every possible way. Gender doesn’t matter. Abuse is abuse. Full stop. I’ve seen one too many comments this last week about it being unrealistic, she wouldn’t have stabbed him, in really life she would’ve stayed and suffered etc etc etc. Nonsense.

So. Unless you’ve walked in my skin or marmaduke’s then you need to think hard. Everyone reacts differently. It’s as valid a storyline to have Helen stab rob than it would’ve been to have her bow down before him again. Or have him exposed by someone else. In fact I doubt he would’ve been exposed in real life. Marmaduke’s experience confirms that.

And it could easily have been her abusing him.

Marmaduke my heart goes out to you and I hope you’ve found the strength to live a happy and fulfilled life and that your mother and her actions are far behind you.

And if this storyline does anything it won’t be to encourage people in abusive relationships,male or female to hurt their abusers. But it will let them know there are places then can go to get help.

Thank you marmaduke for posting. And if you can’t call in then email. Your comments would be most welcome!

My rant over now too…..

[Valerie Bayliss]

I would like to second All the above comments, thank the authors for sharing, hope passionately that you have both found a route to peace and please do email your comments Marmaduke they are far too valuable not to reach a wider audience.

[Claire Astbury]

Thanks Marmaduke and Aunty Jean. You are right that abuse and bullying needs to be uncovered and people supported through it whoever and wherever it takes place. Thanks to you both for sharing your stories.

[Charlie Cat]

Thank you both for these stories, i myself have been emotionally and physically abused by my mother and boyfriends, i have been asked “why did you stay?” and the answer is always the same “i didn’t think i could leave”.

People have been downright wretched about Helen not leaving (i got into a little bit of a Twitter spat about it on Monday) and those people should be ashamed at their lack of empathy and critical thinking.

[Aunty Jean]

Trouble is Charlie Cat that anyone who’s not been through it thinks it easy to leave. ‘Why’ they say ‘ you pack your bags and go’. Just like Helen tried to. But we know, you and I that it isn’t easy. Not. At. All. That’s because you think. ‘I can’t’ or ‘How?’

When my mum did go she was back in a matter of days or at the most a few weeks. Its hard w it works. Helens way out is extreme yes but it does and will happen.

To everyone saying ‘all it does is tell abused people they can go around stabbing their abuser’ (there was a daft letter in the telegraph today which said just that). No it doesn’t! Give people and that includes abused people some credit.

Charlie Cat I hope you’re ok now and in a happy relationship.

[marmaduke]

Thanks you for all your kind comments. I can only agree about the amount of ill informed discussion going on. For example, regarding Pat, Tony, Peggy, etc missing the signs: I can almost guarantee that, had you meet my mother, you would have liked her. Everybody adored her. She had quite amazing charisma; and my introverted nature was one of her favourite target areas.

Thinking about what I wrote, I feel I should end on a more positive note. I looked up the Action Line page that the BBC have been advertising and was very pleased to see that, as well as links to women’s organisations, there are also links to help groups for men, for the LGBT community and also for people who think that they might actually be abusers. I’m glad to see all of these, including the last, and genuinely hope that maybe, somewhere out there, a few Robs, or even Robertas, might have recognised themselves in the story and had the courage (and I suspect it would take quite a lot of courage) to make contact.

So, whilst I don’t dispute that genuinely irredeemable psychopaths do exist, I suspect that they are pretty rare (maybe Witherspoon or someone can throw some light on this) and that nurture usually trumps nature. The famous Philip Larkin poem is all too sadly true.

But it’s not all bad news. For myself, after decades of failed relationships (the moment things looked like they might be getting serious, I would just panic and “shut down”), anxiety attacks, flashbacks, black depressions and lying awake at night wondering how best to end it all (and “real men” are very, very good at hiding these things), about 10 years ago I gritted my teeth, walked into my GP’s surgery and said “I think I might be ill”. I was very, very lucky. My GP understood mental health, took me seriously, and I finally started to get the help I needed to start turning the corner and to appreciate that learned behaviours can be changed.

So, when thinking about domestic abuse, don’t forget that other great taboo subject of our time: mental health. The two walk hand in hand and, while TA has touched on mental health in the past, I don’t think it has ever been very convincingly done (eg Kenton’s miracle recovery). Maybe the next phase of this story will create an opportunity to put this right.

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