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Listen, we all know it will end in a funeral Possibly a joint one. Lake Hill is a local beauty spot but remote and quite steep, I hear.
Oh good Lord. I haven’t heard tonight’s episode yet, but on the basis of what I’ve heard here and on the Book of Face:
I reckon a month, and it’ll end in the siege of Berrow Farm. Rob takes hostages when he’s found out about the fertility figures and the culvert. Episode ends with cliffhanger of two shots being heard, then segue to Eastenders style Dom Dom Dom music
I’m going get all Cosmo and technical about this. When was this marriage all arranged? You have to register intention to marry a minimum of 15 days in advance, and to have lived in the area of the registration for 7 days before registering your intention….
Even in Gretna Green, you can’t just turn up and get married on a whim….
But also: Argh, Helen, nooooooooo!
Charlie’s findings on Thursday about the fiddling of the figures suggest Rob’s about to be outed, finally. So add in a sprinkling of Stefan in culvertgate and a dash of flattened hunt saboteur and it’s just a matter of time. I’m wondering how far Helen will get dragged down with him.
She really does pick ’em, doesn’t she?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again (mostly because I have no new ideas). As much as I’d love to see Titchynob get his comeuppance I wish it was going to be for what he’s doing to Helen, rather than for one of his many other crimes.
I have a theory that Henry is the spawn of the devil (have you noticed bad things happen when he’s around? Viz. Tony gored by bull, etc. In The Omen, all the bad things that happen around Damien look like ‘accidents’… just sayin’). Titchyknob is Henry’s enabler on earth, and this is the reason he’s married Helen. He Must Die!
How will it end? I’d like a Hollywood-style face-off where Ian converts his cooker into a flamethrower and nukes Titchyknob like a steak. Or all the locals gather and despatch him in a Wicker Man on Lakey Hill while chanting Barwick Green. With Morris men.
I can’t help being suddenly fixated on THAT paternity test. I feel sure that Nathaniel Obadiah or whatever his name is is the spawn of the Titchyknob. Of course he is or why would the SWs introduce the idea that Jess would have slept (or not) with two men without protection around Valentine’s Day? Or do they have a slut shaming subtext agenda? I don’t know.
Anyway, given that this is the case, I want to know how he obtained that DNA sample: did he take one of the dairy workers out for a slap-up carb-addled lunch at The Bull, with beer, make sure he feel asleep in the staff room with his mouth open because he was sitting up then swab his gums like there was no tomorrow? I must know.
Yup I reckon Rob forged/lied about the paternity test and is ferreting (sounds more appropriate than squirrelling for Ambridge) away the money from the cow factory to pay the maintenance to the ex wife. Or is she the ex wife? Maybe the divorce wasn’t real either.
Whatever happens we’re in for at least a few months before Helen realises. Everyone else will work it out first of course and then eventually someone will out him to the new Mrs Titchinob. Cue much drama, I told you so’s, and possibly a dramatic exit overseas.
What just what if he gets away with it? What then.
We’ll all have to contribute to paying an assassin. David’s got form (badger killer, pushing people off roofs and down stairs) he might do it for us.
[SCENE]
Titchyknob is invited to a private shoot on Brian’s land, and there’s a terrible ‘accident’. His 12-bore has a ‘faulty’ safety catch and backfires.
Brian: OMG…how on earth did that happen?
Will: Quick! Someone call an ambulance! No – sod the ambulance, call Alastair – the b’stard’s fallen on my dog![Evil moustache twirling in the background from Charlie, or Ian, or Jess (no moustache) – or basically anyone who hates him]
How long will it last? Way too long.
How exactly will it end? Very horribly.
There are lots of obvious reasons why this one is off to a bad start despite the desperately happy couple willing it otherwise. For one thing, I’d be very wary of marrying a man who is estranged from his own family (likely to be psychologically messed up); and for another thing, apparently he’s reached “middle youth” with no material assets (no romance without finance, as Gwen Guthrie sang).
But that’s just me … (and it might help explain why I’m single)!
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