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Thank you for your interest in moving to our village, please read these rules carefully and sign at the bottom if you are happy with them.
1. Whatever house you live in will always have a flexible number of bedrooms. The number of bedrooms will never be disclosed, but a good rule is, that the house will be too small for you, unless the village feels threatened by your immanent purchase of a house outside the village, whereapon the house will magically grow rooms.
Rooms may magically appear or magically disappear according to the needs of a particular story, or how many South African grandchildren are moving home.2. It is very dangerous to be in love or to have sex in Ambridge. You have a higher than average chance of being widowed, a higher than average chance of being jilted at the altar, and no contraception ever works in Ambridge. You WILL get pregnant, unless you plan to get pregnant, in which case, you will find it impossible to get pregnant.
3. If by any luck you do manage to have a planned pregnancy, something will go wrong, either during or after birth; threatening your life /childslife/ your freedom /our sanity.
4. If you do manage to get through the minefield of childbirth; your child will speak like a 2 year old until they are 8 years old, at which time said child will magically disappear, (possibly along with your second bedroom); until they are teenagers. Said child will reappear again aged 14 to cause some problem / break a law / cause damage to village or reputation; before disappearing again, sometimes permanently.
5. If your name is Kathy; your lovers /husbands will be seduced by Jolene. If your name is not Kathy, then Lillian is the designated seducer, unless your husband is related to said Lillian; at which time, if everyone’s marriage is looking too happy, an additonal femme fatal will be imported. Probably from Ireland
4. If your name is Archer or you are related to any said “archer” any money problems will eventually turn out alright, no matter how badly you plan; any farming mistake will be swiftly corrected; and all will be well. However, you are expected to go through your life bemoaning /bewailing /whinging and generally sounding as if you have rocks in your pockets and are headed for the river.
5. If you are a Grundy, or in any way related to a Grundy, all plans are bad ones, all financial risks will land you on your arse; and you might as well not try anything new. However you will sound as if finding a forgotten apple on the ground is the equivalent of winning the lottery. We can only conclude that the average sex life of a “grundy” is phenomenally good.
6. There is only ever allowed one true baddie in the village at any one time. “Baddie” makes up for it by being the very worst sort of bad there is of that type. If one baddie is perfecting his “badness” all other baddies must move to exotic locations -what-we-have-never-seen as soon as possible; allowing “baddie #1 ” to ply his badness in peace.
N.B. Current growing “baddie” is Justin .7. Every pantomime is a disaster until it is wildly successful.
8. Brian thinks he runs the village, Linda talks as if she runs the village, Justin will be running the village as soon as he can, Susan knows how the village should be run ….but it’s really Helen who runs the village …because all roads lead to Helen and her “mood de jour” .
9. In order to be a good farmer in Ambridge, you will need two coconut shells, the sound of a diesel tractor, occasional animal sounds, and the ability to say “Go on, there there , move along now girl” in a convincing sort of way.
10. No woman in Ambridge is capable of putting on an item of clothing without a great deal of heaving, sighing, huffing and straining, leading us to the conclusion that all dresses sold in Underwoods are made of solid steel and weigh more than yer average cow.
Susan has your tabard …please wear at all times if you want to be heard. (Please put yours back on Kathy, we promise Jolene is not currently on the prowl).
May I add to the list the following:
11. All children born in Ambridge lose the ability to speak at age 4 (or thereabouts) and then regain it miraculously in the middle part of their teenage years. During this time, they will slam doors wildly, play music loudly (notwithstanding the existence of headphones) and be spoken about by grown family members like they are celebrities branching out and they are their PR managers.
12. Debbie aldridge is always right and Brian is being a dick. Either of these statements can be said in random location at any time in Ambridge and will be always applicable.
13. Every woman in Ambridge can bake for Britain given a cooking appliance and flour. Notable exceptions to this rule are Ruth and Pip but as Jill has hijacked the oven, there should be no problem visiting. If you can ignore the hooting…
14. No televisions work in ambridge except on special holidays. Ipods and netflix does occasionally work so go figure…
15. Cricket is critically important to the village and there must be a team to have the single wicket…or something like that??? It will be a big feature of the village and absorb all attentions until it is forgotten for months on end until cricket becomes the driving issue of the area again for some reason!
16. There is a fountain of youth located on the village green. Most seventy year olds act like they are half a century younger in general and their romantic lives are more vibrant than the the actual youth in the area. Accordingly most younger people in the village act like they are older and have the weight of the world on the shoulders. If you live until 70 without incident, you can guarantee to live happily until you are a hundred with nary a consequence and shepherded around by your septuagenarian children forever.
17. Lynda and the panto. Forever. Until the end of the time. It will happen. It will be awful and be a disaster for all concerned until opening night. Except for Lynda. And the panto. Both will be a success. Inexplicably. You will be drafted for this annual panto until you die. No exceptions.
18. Don’t rely on law enforcement while you live here. Or the vets. Or the gin. Or the ice cream. Or the property developer who has promised to build social housing. Or horse breeders developing race courses in Costa Rica.Don’t try the kefir. Just in general it is a good rule not to try kefir at all…
19. Nobody needs psychological help here. Even if they have been through gaslighting/prison etc, everybody will revert to previous character type and not develop trauma at all. Psychiatrists are non existent along with counselling. Everyone will forget about said traumatic event until years later when it is critical to another plot….or *cough* issue in one’s life.
20. Be prepared for not seeing a lot of Kathy Perks. Or Mike. Though they will suspiciously be in the next room or off whenever you call in and someone will have always talked to them before you get to!
Fantastic Fiona – though, contrary to my foreboding, the Grundys actually had a good Christmas without disaster.
Thanks for drawing this to our attention Yokel Bear.This is indeed a fantastic thread, and the main two posts are very comprehensive, but am I too late add a couple more?
– Any large business deal, especially one involving land, will be done without any professional advice and will almost certainly go tits up in some way.
– Any minor business matter will be blown out of all proportion and has the potential to cause a permanent family rift, especially if it happens at Home Farm, or Bridge Farm, or Brookfield…
– If you have any family or friends outside Ambridge, they may never visit, even silently, and you can only visit them for exceptional reasons (e.g. If they are about to die and leave you lots of money)
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