So, Jennifer is deep throat-25 May 2015

So, Jennifer is deep throat.  But then Brian woke up and Jennifer was actually interviewing a foreign sounding person called Stephan.  It all got a bit Famous Five. He wanted to meet in a café.  Oh what a horrid place, said Jennidarling to David.  It looks like the type of type of place swarthy people come to and I don’t like it.  Have some more of this ginger beer.

Anyway, Deep throat and Inspector Gadget had a patronizing meeting with the funny foreigner in the poor people’s café and the funny foreigner said that he had seen Rob stuffing his culvert, the filthy bugger.

Inspector Gadget went trooping off to Charlie barbour-spreadsheet to say a person whose name we can’t give you saw another person whose name we can’t give you doing something very very criminal and bad and what are you going to do it?  Nothing, said Charlie Barbour Spreadsheet.  What the hell am I supposed to do with drivel like that? But no, of course he didn’t, because this is the Archers and he took it all very seriously and said I will speak to all my workers about the person who cannot be named being spotted by the other person who cannot be named and I will be very discreet.  And then he called titchynob in and said are you the person that cannot be named? Titchynob immediately went into his usual I didn’t do it I wasn’t there I wasn’t at work I don’t know what a cow is anyway who are you?   What kind of raving lunatic would do something that stupid, asked Helen?  The type of raving lunatic that you sadly find irresistibly attractive, Helen.

Jolly William couldn’t meet up with Emma and the children for a picnic at the cricket match against Paxley because he was discussing bird-watching tactics with Robert.  Or tic tacs, possibly.   There was a lot of ‘go on, then make friends, go on, GO ON’, everyone said ‘right you are’ a lot to each other, but the women fixed it all with cake, seemingly.

The birdwatching was tedious in the extreme.  The most exciting thing was Robert seeing a wheat ear. Or getting wheat in his ear, I’m not sure.  I had passed out with boredom. Jimus enlisted Molly and Tilly Button into helping him.  They rang him on his mobile, which is not easy for a silent character.  In fact given their Trappist Monk like tendencies we should hereafter refer to them as the Mute Buttons.

And now we will move on to Pip and her dedicated pursuit of both sheepdogs, Rex and Toby.  She wants to move the Farebrethren (I nicked that from B12 Simon, thank you) in to Pear Tree Farm, nice and close to Brookers so she can drop in frequently, naked.  Waving vaseline and some Bonio biscuits.  She said she’d nearly pinned Rex down early on Tuesday morning but he managed to wriggle out of her grasp.  You see? That’ll be the Vaseline.

It was a cracking hen do.  Ooooh yes.  One no-one will ever forget.  Emma said breathlessly to Fallon “ive just had a brainwave….what if we turned my hen do into a sewing bee?”  There was a gasp from fallon which I presue was her pulling her arm back to punch Emma in the head until she’d stopped making stupid suggestions.  Emma invited two old school friends on an entirely fraudulent premise and poor old Jodie and Sarah turned up, and from what I could tell they worked away like mad things with Clarrie to make bunting while Fallon, Emma, Helen and Susan got pissed in the other room and laughed at them.  Susan confessed to having dropped her marks and spencers sensibles within the first ten minutes of meeting Neil and being up the clanger when she sashayed up the aisle with a concealing bouquiet the size of a small allotment.

And then the wedding itself.  Wiwyerm went from refusing to be the best man, smile or wear a suit, to being the bestest best man in the whole wide world after a very vague talking to by Nic.  He turned up at the church, all fraternal bonhomie, and said ‘once more for old times sake em’ which I thought was a bit much, I mean there’s sloppy seconds and then there’s sloppy seconds on your wedding day and anyway IN A graveyard, but it turned out he just wanted to wander round with her, pointing out illogically that although the whole thing had been a pigging disaster he hadn’t regretted it.

It was all a bit odd but then for once something nice happened to the Grundies. The wedding went well.   No ferrets escaped, no-one got thumped, jilted or gored. By Ambridge standards it was a very tame do. I thought at first Clarrie wasn’t there as she was so quiet and we hadn’t heard her say “oh edward” at all and then she popped up in her basque and leather gaiters which Fallon had found in a closing down sale at the Anne Summers in Borchester.

So here’s to you and a happy marriage, Emma Grundy-Grundy. May you live in confusing family bliss for the rest of your life.