With Susan’s comment last week that she had “fired the first shot” over the repurposing of the shop, I decided that I wanted to see an action-adventure serial starring Susan as a lone avenger. Here’s my pre-credits opening scene…
EXT. LAKEY HILL – DAY
Dawn breaks over Lakey Hill. Lazy fingers of watery sunshine glint off the dew and filter through the early mist that rises off the fields. A lone, slightly dishevelled young man stands broadcasting grain to a gaggle of goslings.
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EXT. SHRUBBERY ON THE SIDE OF LAKEY HILL – DAY
Warm rays of sunlight illuminate the bushy hedgerows on the hillside. The Dawn Chorus chirrups in the background. Suddenly a flash of bright light flares in the bushes. Someone is hiding in the undergrowth. They are watching the man tending his geese.
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EXT. GOSLING PEN
The young man continues to care for his birds. Without warning, a ruby-red spot of light appears from nowhere on the chest of the man’s scruffy rugby top. It is aimed directly at his heart. He looks up, fear in his eyes, trying to see where the laser-sight originates from…
CUT TO:
EXT. LAKEY HILL
Longshot. The crack of a single shot rings out, followed by a bloodcurdlingly truncated scream. A flock of pigeons flies up into the morning sky, startled by the gunshot.
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EXT. SHRUBBERY ON THE SIDE OF LAKEY HILL
A lone assassin lowers the high-powered rifle. The assassin is a middle-aged woman, dressed in a black balaclava and top-to-toe camouflage gear. Over the top of the militaristic uniform (and completely ruining the illusion) she wears a pink and orange tabard. It could not be less camouflaged if it actually glowed in the dark. To the tabard is pinned a badge which reads: “Hello! My Name is Susan. How May I KILL You?”
She speaks into a walkie talkie.
SUSAN CARTER
Toby Fairbrother is down, Boss. You’ll never get goosed in the Village Shop again.
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EXT. HOLLOWTREE FIELD
Slow zoom in on the lifeless body of Toby Fairbrother. Goslings clamber over his chest and irritatingly popped collar.
VOICEOVER ON WALKIE-TALKIE
PEGGY WOOLLEY
Oh, Well Done Susan dear! Why don’t you pop back to The Lodge… I mean ‘Base’… to clean up. We can share a nice pot of tea and some of Jill’s flapjacks.
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CLOSE UP ON SUSAN
Susan looks grim. Her eyes narrow into a steely glint.
SUSAN CARTER
Whatever you say… Boss!
FADE IN SOUNDTRACK
(A version of Barwick Green played at double speed on distorted electric guitars with a heavy driving drum beat.)
SMASH CUT TO BLACK. THE SHOW’S TITLE APPEARS ON SCREEN
“SUSAN CARTER: BORSETSHIRE ROGUE ASSASSIN – Episode One: Fairbrother, Where Art Thou?”